Nick Griffin has bought a goose.
A real one that he takes to the gym.
I think it's just a proper gander exercise for the BNP.

This morning, I put my shoes on the wrong feet.
I just wish I could remember whose feet they were.

I see it's the inventor of the boomerang's birthday today.
Can I be the first to wish him 'Many Happy Returns'.

I had a threesome with a mate and an off duty police woman.
Best game of piggy in the middle I've ever had.

BBC News: ROBIN HOOD OPENS CANNES.
I was under the impression he had a bow and arrow not a tin opener.

I've got a new job working at a smoothie bar.
I'm blending in well.

I ate a couple of Scotch eggs earlier.
The nurse in the Aberdeen fertility clinic looked horrified.

I heard that there's an exception to the rule "I before E except after C."
It's weird isn't it?

When couples have been together for a long time, one will often finish the other's sentence.
Rosemary West, for example

I've started tipping in restaurants
There's nowhere else to take my rubbish.

Never leave an atom alone.
You have to keep your ion it.

I'm in a band called AA.
We're a support group.

I was watching a ship going out to sea yesterday in stormy clouds and raging winds.
There was music blasting from It and all I could hear were people singing "I've been driving In my car It's not quite a Jaguar."
I thought, "That's Madness going out to sea in this weather."

Drugs do cause amnesia and other things I can't remember.

I caught my son messing around with a plug socket earlier....
He's grounded.

I saw a fat person fall down the steps earlier. I didn't laugh, but the ground was cracking up.

My mate told me the other day that he wanted to change career.
I told him that's completely unrealistic, it's a military dictatorship run by a ruthless leader and has been for decades.

I think my wifes hallucinating,
She keeps telling me she's seeing other people.

This bloke in the sauna keeps telling everyone to get out?
Talk about selfish steam issues!

There was a kidnapping in my town today.
She slept for 4 hours.

I was making a cup of tea the other day when my wife said "Go easy on the milk, we've hardly got any". So I held the bottle several feet above the cup and poured it from there.
She said "What are you doing?".
I replied "Just making it go a bit further".

Do you like my Eczema flakes? I made them from scratch

I couldn't sprint at school, I was more about patience and endurance.
Which benefited me in the long run.

Today, I tied two sausages together to make ends meet.

Sign in a pet shop window: "Free legless parakeet. No perches necessary."