My mate has thrown away all but one of the letters on his keyboard.
But hey, that's him down to a T.

I don't understand my wife at times.
Usually Monday to Sunday.

I don't see what the big deal is about everybody hating Rebecca Black..
I've always hated Blacks.

Why do Anarchists want to live in dirty communes with no electricity?
Because all power corrupts.

Why do Anarchists want to live in dirty communes with no electricity?
Because all power corrupts.

I wonder if Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam and Jack Daniels attend meetings of Alcoholics Eponymous?

My wife asked me, "Can you think of anything you'd really like to do in bed?"
"Yes, it involves a chocolate clair."
"What is it you'd like me to do with it?"
"Nothing, just get some nutella and Claire from work, then leave."

When windows break, do they become faildows?
_________________________________________________________________
No, they would become losedows. Or holes in the wall.

When windows break, do they become faildows?
_________________________________________________________________
No, they would become losedows. Or holes in the wall.

A rolling stone gathers no moss.
Why would they when they have booze, women, cocaine and heroin?

I love working with a deadline.
It makes my job as a telephone receptionist a lot easier.

As I was doing my rounds in the hospital this morning, one of my patients called me over and said, "So nurse, you reckon I should be going home in the next few days?"
"Whatever gave you that idea?" I replied.
"Well, I overheard the doctor telling you that I just had an STD", he responded.
"No you silly sod!" I giggled. "You must have misheard, he said, 'we've definitely got a goner here'."

I just dropped my calculator into my dinner.
Looks like I'm having pi then.

My girlfriend and her mum have both got great knockers...
Although 2011, you would think they would have door bells.

I thought it would be a nice idea if I treated the wife today.
She can now look as wooden as she acts in bed.

I've started a charity supplying bikes to injured war veterans.
If you want to donate, send your bike to raleighthetroops.com

My girlfriend's looking a bit ropey
Just hanging there

Just bought a block of cheddar...it's destined for grateness!

I live in a huge house
Did I mansion?

I've started a business selling slugs, sloths and tortoises,
Sales have been slow.

Ever since I took over from my dad as a stage ventriloquist, the act has really got popular.
Dad says it's due to the new dummy, but I like to think I had a hand in it.

My wife is growing acorns in our bathroom.
She loves her toiletries.

I was talking to a navy seal earlier.
I couldn't understand why it was that colour...

Just bought a house that was dirt cheap. I don't understand why.
Bay Route sounds like it will be a lovely area.

If Prince William becomes king, will he be referred to as 'formerly known as Prince' too.