When I married my wife, I took an oaf.

After a long, satisfying whiff of my dealer's weed sack, he said, "Make a fatty, Bob!"
So I pushed his wife in the swimming pool. We laughed for a minute and then he shot me.

Why did the chicken cross the road
*brakes screeching*
We will never know

My mate got his tongue shot off a few years ago,
he never talks about it

My friend has got a fetish for certain types of stationery. Helix rulers.

A man walked up to me and said 'I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam'
I said 'relax, you're two tents'.

Flattery will get you nowhere is the vicious rumour that caused Flattery's taxis to go out of business.

Last week I met this old Russian dude who was a spy in the Cold War. Now we're inseparable! He's totally my KGBFF.

I've set up a successful dating site for agoraphobics.
So far we've got 300 couples not going out.

Before my GCSE's I drank pure alcohol.
Then I got an ethanol my exams

I wasn't sure what to do about my steamed up windows but it suddenly became clear

Dogs cannot operate an MRI machine but cats can.

If you suffer from lockjaw, you need a toothpick.

I've just seen a woman hand-cuffed and thrown into a van by the Old Bill.
He's the dirty old man that lives at number 43.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. In a bid to keep myself off the booze, I've booked up for a swingers' retreat next weekend.
While I'm there, I might just have a couple.

There was a misprint in the newspaper, and now my dad thinks I'm a serial racist.
He said he's never been prouder.

Headline in the Mirror
'Danger drug meow meow's successor MDAI could flood Britain'
I for one won't be taking it, because i think it's maid wrong

In New York last week I was talking to a Yank who used to live near Dover.
"I sure miss that English Channel of yours" he sighed
"Really?" I replied, "It's not that impressive"
"Sure it is!" he said, "You can't get Eastenders over here".

I'm always getting muddled up between liquids, solids and gases - but then again, what does it matter?

I'm guessing Apple's new advertising campaign iAds is not going to be very popular with dyslexics.

Did you hear about the hippie who drowned in the Thames. The lifeguards tried to save him but he was too far out.

I keep texting my wife and instead of texting "LOVE YOU LOTS" I accidentally type "LOVE YOU LOTR."
It's becoming a hobbit.

As I stand on the train tracks thinking about where my life went wrong...
It finally hit me.

Ironically,a woman called Sue took me to court.

How many squares are there on a chess board?
Usually two, facing each other.