Some people think Gordon Brown shouldn't run the country,
But I think the exercise will do him good...

I saw some kids spray painting "WE'RE ALOUD TO REBEL" on a wall.
I thought, "That shouldn't be aloud."

Recently, I have been trying to stop vultures eating all the dead animals lying around...
But they keep carrion on.

I worry a lot about being self-contious

I was going to tell my mate a story about the time I went to a race with no starting position.
I didn't know where to begin.

Amman in Jordan.
Hardly surprising is it?

I've been stealing sausages from the factory where I work and now I'm paranoid that the owners are on to me.
Feels like the Walls are closing in on me.

In the first round of a game of strip-poker, I played my socks off.

My mate just turned up on my doorstep crying his eyes out. Apparently he's just been made homeless.
I don't know why he's making a 'Big issue' over it.

Those Burns Units Surgeons are incredible. They work long stressful shifts.
Real grafters.

I visited a specialist last Friday who promised to turn me schizophrenic within a week.
I've just received the invoice.

Sky News
Coming Up : The Chilean Miners

" Five year-old girl dies after completing life-long ambition"
The term "life-long" means a lot less for some reason...

Eye. Watch. Cape. Horn.
Now repeat the four words above faster and faster

My mate wanted to play hide and seek dressed in a bobble hat and a stripy jumper whilst holding a walking stick,
What a Wally.

I auditioned for Andrew Lloyd Webber's production of the Wizard of Oz to be a munchkin.
I've made the short list.

News: 'Ford Transit with gold encrusted seats stolen'
Police believe the robber had an interior motive.

BBC news: Baby twin girls attacked by fox in sleep.
At least now you can tell them apart...

Poverty is a Big Issue

"Man dies of heart attack after having his car stolen"
He had a Carjack arrest.

I Iost my virginity to my flying instructor.
He took me under his wing.

Our thermostat broke, now all the radiators in the house are on full blast the entire day. Not cool.

If my dead chronic masturbating grandfather could see what the world has come to now, he'd be tossing in his grave.

I need to find a new source of electricity. Not happy with my current supplier.

My girlfriend had her stomach pumped last night.
She said, "This is your first time isn't it?"