Wordplay Joke

I told my friend not to dig beneath me to find gold but he went ahead and undermined me.

Wordplay Joke

It took a lot of guts for my ex-girlfriend to ring me and tell me that she was pregnant with my child, had it in secret and gave it up for adoption.
I didn't know she had it in her.

Wordplay Joke

Let me introduce you to the two major tools that were used to free the miners.
Firstly, there was this huge airtight tube...
And, well, you know the drill.

Wordplay Joke

Did you hear about the constipated alphabet?
It needed a vowel movement.

Wordplay Joke

The missus was having a really bad attack of wind this morning. First it was like cabbage, then peas, then sprouts!
Honestly, I've never smelt anything Grocer!

Wordplay Joke

I asked The Fonz actor Henry Winkler in a pub, who he thinks will win tonights boxing match.
He looked at me, punched the jukebox, and said 'Hayeee'.

Wordplay Joke

I spent all morning talking to a fellow member of the Xhosa tribe.
We just clicked.

Wordplay Joke

I was insulted when my wife called me the biggest racist she'd ever come across.
Time to shed some weight I reckon.

Wordplay Joke

Paid a woman to pose as my girlfriend at a social gathering. On our way home I got a bit touchy and she pulled a gun on me.
Who would've thought it, an armed escort.

Wordplay Joke

I've just started a removals company called U2.
We move in Mysterious Ways.

Wordplay Joke

I've given my wife a pet name
Rover.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a new concealer for my girlfriend today...
Useless. My wife still saw her.

Wordplay Joke

If there's one thing I learned in school, it's to never judge a crook by his colour

Wordplay Joke

I told my mate I rode to work on a camel the other day.
He said "I bet you got some stares?"
I said "No I just jumped up as best I could."

Wordplay Joke

So, I hear the world is going to end in 2012!?
I don't know about you guys but Armageddon outta here.

Wordplay Joke

Ever since my wife kicked me out of the house three weeks ago I have been squatting.
It won't surprise you to learn that I have a thunderous pair of thighs now.

Wordplay Joke

I was walking along a street decorated with rows of compact discs, which was no surprise as it was a seedy part of town.

Wordplay Joke

"Gaddafi ducks rebel attacks"
I knew Bugs Bunny would push him too far one day.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said she's leaving me because i always say the opposite of what i mean.
I hope she doesn't, i love her!

Wordplay Joke

I did a pencil drawing of me bareback riding my teacher.
She said, "Use a rubber or you'll regret it!"
"It's a deal" I said

Wordplay Joke

I found out last night the best way to hail a taxi is by flashing g-stings at the taxi drivers.
Although it did work better when the wife did it.

Wordplay Joke

I've just seen my swimming instructors having a fight over buoyancy aids.
They've been at each others floats for months now.

Wordplay Joke

I've just bought a carpet.
Think I'll call him Rover.

Wordplay Joke

A bloke in the pub said a shoal of fish came out of the Atlantic and hit his wife.
Sounds like codswallop to me.

Wordplay Joke

Bringing up children is an heir raising experience.