Wordplay Joke

My wife is outstanding.
I've locked the door.

Wordplay Joke

Got my exam results today in the post.
I'm pleased with the A. Don't what I means, D isn't great and I'm not sure what S is for.

Wordplay Joke

My butler died of hearing loss.
He walked through the valet of deaf.

Wordplay Joke

I sometimes confuse X with hug and O with kiss.
Anyway, my mate said he is never playing Tic-Tac-Toe with me again.

Wordplay Joke

My mate said to me ''I'm sick of everyone talking about games they used to play in the playground!''
''Tell me about It'' I said.

Wordplay Joke

I was out clubbing last night when some bloke called me a muppet. I was furious. But, my mum was right when she said "Kermit, you take things to heart too easily."

Wordplay Joke

I threw open the doors of the Lamborghini owners convention and shouted-
''I came in a Lamborghini!!''
A rather posh looking bloke came up to me and said-
''Sir, we all did, and I think you mean ARRIVED in a Lamborghini''
''No'' I replied, ''I meant came. One of you idiots left your window down and I've ruined your front seats.''

Wordplay Joke

My mate sells E's for 10 each.
You've got to decide how much you want to win that game of Scrabble.

Wordplay Joke

My car alarm went off before.
I didn't even know there was a best before date on it.

Wordplay Joke

I had a fry up the other day.
That's the last time I go backstage at QI.

Wordplay Joke

Since I lost my job my whole life has been pointless.
Followed by eggheads at six.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn't let her ride in my time machine.
I'll never take her back.

Wordplay Joke

My Nan is very aware of ethnic problems in our community.
She even has a couple of coloured friends.
Hazel & Violet.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a dog the other day and they told me it was a pedigree.
When I got it home, I wasn't sure if it was a 100% pedigree dog, so I asked for other people's opinions they all said the same, they were not sure.
So, I took it back to the pet shop and it turns out it's a borderline collie.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a anorexic vampire earlier and I said to him, "What's wrong with you?"
He said, "I've been eating necks to nothing."

Wordplay Joke

So a truck full of Marmite crash and spilled everywhere.
I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Wordplay Joke

In hindsight, I shouldn't have picked "DJ Orange" as my stage name.
I can't find anyone to rhyme with me.

Wordplay Joke

Yesterday, I bought 10 pairs of socks for 1.
Greatest bargain I've ever come across.

Wordplay Joke

What's the difference between Auschwitz and Butlins?
The shower's work at Auschwitz.

Wordplay Joke

After my fertility test, the doctor gave me a thumbs up.
It felt wrong but he told me it was standard procedure.

Wordplay Joke

I was on talking to my mate over a walkie talkie when I asked him "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
He replied, "I think we're on the same wavelength here."

Wordplay Joke

"Italian ship crew are in denial"
Let's hope they can navigate that a little better.

Wordplay Joke

Profit from death is gross.

Wordplay Joke

Suicide is a dying trend

Wordplay Joke

These really sharp ikea knives are bleeding me dry.
I keep having to buy new ones because they get stuck in my victims.