Wordplay Joke

I have just started dating an escape artist.
She's brilliant in the sack.

Wordplay Joke

I'm currently reading a pullout about alternative contraceptive methods.

Wordplay Joke

When I was a kid "birthday beats" meant you were gonna get punched, now it just means that your parents bought you some new headphones.

Wordplay Joke

Nine men are on trial for grooming...
But only one will walk away with the beautician's job.

Wordplay Joke

My doctor doesn't like musicians.
He wouldn't see sick steve.

Wordplay Joke

No rest for the wicked.
Probably why I is got insomnia, innit.

Wordplay Joke

Whenever the wife gets mouthy I hit her with a skate.
It keeps her inline.

Wordplay Joke

Just heard good some news the lead singer from D:ream has got over his bankrupcy and is now opening a little italian pastry shop!
Things Cannoli get better!

Wordplay Joke

Lord, I am truly thankful for this bowl of noodles I am about to eat.
Ramen.

Wordplay Joke

I found out this kid had been coming into my shop and stealing milk.
I was outraged.
I mean,
how dairy?

Wordplay Joke

I joined The Body Parts Dating Agency last week, but it's been closed down due to safety concerns.
You could take someone's eye out.

Wordplay Joke

I like throwing coins at Metathesiophobics.
They don't like change.

Wordplay Joke

I like to go out in my horse costume and try it on with the ladies.

Wordplay Joke

On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad are you at reading music?

Wordplay Joke

I walked into a jazz club last night.
It was a bit too clicky.

Wordplay Joke

Well, your honour, I think the nuns should have made it clearer when they said they were looking for a missionary position.

Wordplay Joke

So the Onion says to the Garlic "Hey Love, why dont you take your cloves off."

Wordplay Joke

Apple are bringing out a card shuffling device for poker enthusiasts, which will be iDeal.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a guy who owns a brothel?
Humphrey.

Wordplay Joke

I like my women like my GCSE results..... D graded.

Wordplay Joke

I got a Brazilian the other day.
Young Alberto will be raised to be a wonderful rent boy.

Wordplay Joke

I have worked hard through tough times at a vegetable company, so my boss gave me a celery increase.

Wordplay Joke

I've upgraded my dictionary to high definition.

Wordplay Joke

I was round at my mates house for his annual fancy dress party last night
next year I'm gonna go as a triangle

Wordplay Joke

I was supposed to be having my appendix out today but after all the tests they've told me it was a false alarm.
I don't even remember eating one.