Wordplay Joke

I've been making loads of different types of bread today and they've all turned out perfect.
I don't know what type to do next, I think I'm on a roll.

Wordplay Joke

My mother gave me a right ear full for being on tv during crimewatch.
So I clambered down and watched it from the sofa with her.

Wordplay Joke

Yahoo news: "Murdoch turns on editor, lawyer in phone hacking probe"
The rest of the court room found the finger sucking and gyrating a little uncomfortable.

Wordplay Joke

I used to love outrageous Scottish comedians but lately I confess to have gone off the Boyle.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a rat earlier and concluded it was overrated. Then a few more turned up, which was nice because rats are definitely underrated.

Wordplay Joke

As a doctor at a fertility clinic, I try to ignore this recession the country is in,
I've far more impotent things to worry about.

Wordplay Joke

My pregnant girlfriend fell down the stairs. Luckily the baby was still born.

Wordplay Joke

What's the difference between Elton John and Blackbeard?
One is famed for plundering booty, and the other is a pirate.

Wordplay Joke

I cried as my Nan called my brother an ambulance today. Her Alzheimer's is getting worse.

Wordplay Joke

My wife works in the local chip shop. She knows her plaice.

Wordplay Joke

Stroke my coat. You've pulled a cat.

Wordplay Joke

The power went out in my house the other day and I got really depressed.
It was a very dark time in my life

Wordplay Joke

I just got ripped off by someone on Ebay.
I bought a pair of Night Vision Goggles. They sent me a diving mask and two carrots.

Wordplay Joke

Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness?
There are nomad people there.

Wordplay Joke

I was dribbling on the pillow last night when the wife woke up and said, "Stop playing football in the bed and go to sleep."

Wordplay Joke

ive just bought the new cluedo, domestic violence edition
the wife did it too herself, in the kitchen with the cuboard door

Wordplay Joke

Women are like guns, both work better suppressed

Wordplay Joke

A girl came into the library and asked for the new 'Twilight' book,
I nearly threw a good book at her, but I didn't want to catch'er in the eye.

Wordplay Joke

My wife told me she wasnt feeling herself today
Looks like ill have to do it for her then..

Wordplay Joke

I told the Missus there was no way she could back the car into the garage,
But she did it perfectly,
Reverse psychology.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my wife today:
"You're like a dandelion"
She said:
"Why? Because i'm pretty and remind you of summer"?
I said, "No, because you want your head blowing off"

Wordplay Joke

My wife said that I need to stop being so unsure about things...
I think...

Wordplay Joke

My mum asked me "I want to find out more about the 'The appprentice' finalists, do you know what that chinese-australian girl is called?"
"Susan Ma."
"Son, there are millions of Susans in the world, I'm going to need a second name pet."

Wordplay Joke

After a long game the final whistle went and our coach came on the pitch
The groundsman went ballistic.

Wordplay Joke

I'm looking for that Miss right.
Because my Miss left.