Wordplay Joke

"If I could turn back time"
I probably wouldn't be quoting Cher lyrics.

Wordplay Joke

I've just tried salsa dancing,but it's not for me.
My feet were to big to fit in the jar.

Wordplay Joke

I bought some Sainsbury's "Taste the Difference" triple chocolate cookies.
They all seemed to be chocolate - hardest game ever.

Wordplay Joke

My boys were getting a caricature at the fair when they started fighting.
"Can you break them apart mate?" the guy asked.
"Nah," I replied, "I don't want to get drawn into this."

Wordplay Joke

I failed my CB radio practical exam today.
The instructor said "Do you copy?"
I said "No, but I've got the answers written on my hand."

Wordplay Joke

Once you turn 18.
You can legally do all the things you've been doing since you were 14.

Wordplay Joke

I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a D.I.Y. accident.
I stuck out like a sore thumb.

Wordplay Joke

I just got the highest scores the test examiner ever saw.
Not exactly what you want to hear at the S.T.I. Clinic.....

Wordplay Joke

I don't dare to tell my wife that I have an STI.
I'm not sure how she's gonnorheact.

Wordplay Joke

Last night my mate complained he was addicted to weight training.
I told him to stay strong.

Wordplay Joke

When I said I wanted to be a role model.
Dressing up as a BLT, standing outside Subway and handing out leaflets isn't what I had in mind.

Wordplay Joke

I think I've finally discovered why my Piano playing is so bad.
Fingers crossed.

Wordplay Joke

My mate has joined a cult that worships black holes.
I'd hate to get sucked into something like that.

Wordplay Joke

The mrs asked me if I could pick some facial wipes up from Tesco on the way home yesterday.
What a disappointing night it turned out to be.

Wordplay Joke

I was so excited earlier when I had a Royal Flush in my hands.
I thought, "I love working in the sewer under Buckingham palace."

Wordplay Joke

I made my girlfriend breakfast earlier
I'm a cannibal

Wordplay Joke

A magician approached me today and asked, "what do you prefer, the rabbit in the hat or the really long piece of cloth in my sleeve?"
I replied "Is this a trick question?"

Wordplay Joke

Last night I had a bar fight with a cowboy.
It ended in a draw.

Wordplay Joke

I was flirting with some birds in a petting zoo today...
I had them eating out the palm of my hand.

Wordplay Joke

My mate is constantly writing lies about me on his new kite.
I'm sick of these rumours flying around.

Wordplay Joke

Just had a race against my mate on who could do their shoelaces up the fastest.
We tied.

Wordplay Joke

After a day of gorging myself on pies, I gained 3.14 pounds.
I guess you really are what you eat.

Wordplay Joke

My mate thinks he's a black hole.
You can't get any denser than that.

Wordplay Joke

I got on an electric bus today.
It was the 21 AAA

Wordplay Joke

I can see into the future, but only good things.
I'm an optimystic.