Wordplay Joke

The kids kept finding their Christmas presents we'd hidden in our wardrobe and under our bed, and my wife said the only way to stop it would be to put them in the loft.
I can still hear them crying though.

Wordplay Joke

Being on the dole definitely has its benefits.

Wordplay Joke

I failed Geography at school.
I couldn't find the exam room

Wordplay Joke

I was on holiday in Spain when my mate phoned me.
"How's the hotel?" he said.
"Well, I can't complain, " I replied.
"Oh, that's good then," he said.
I said, "No, it's terrible! I just don't speak the lingo."

Wordplay Joke

Rising numbers are on the increase.

Wordplay Joke

I can't believe they fired me from the clock factory after all the extra hours I put in.

Wordplay Joke

So I'm trekking through the woods and.....
Hang on, bear with me...

Wordplay Joke

Being calm is not something I rate.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to make a herb garden the other day, but I just haven't got the thyme.

Wordplay Joke

Don't bother entering the Repair Man of the Year award.. It's fixed..

Wordplay Joke

I've decided to make money writing dieting books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.

Wordplay Joke

LeAnn Rimes.
No it doesn't.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a new Apple Mac the other day.
It's great, every time it rains I smell like Cider.

Wordplay Joke

I fell asleep whilst rafting the other day.
I just drifted off.

Wordplay Joke

People are always asking me if I can do a negative tortoise impression.
I'm going to stick my neck out and say no.

Wordplay Joke

I was watching one of them comic relief appeals just now and I was appalled. Thousands of poor, black people with nought but rags for clothes and no job to make them any money.
Does anyone know what country this 'Birmingham' is in?

Wordplay Joke

Police say "South London rapist may strike again".
I didn't realise they took industrial action!

Wordplay Joke

Prison walls are never built to scale.

Wordplay Joke

I never apologise. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Wordplay Joke

Look... at the end of the day, it's night.

Wordplay Joke

I went into the fines office today to pay a speeding ticket, the clerk said, "How would you like to pay your fine?"
"Cash and you're not too bad yourself." I replied.

Wordplay Joke

The Daily Mail has described Katie Price as tight-lipped about not revealing her attacker's name.
Not the best choice of words.

Wordplay Joke

My neighbour is a blacksmith.
Yes, now they are stealing British surnames too.

Wordplay Joke

I got my child to sleep last night by just repeatedly saying 'bursary'.
It was the only nursery rhyme I could think of.

Wordplay Joke

In America - Fat camp: A place where overweight people go to slim down.
In England - Fat camp: Matt Lucas, Elton John.