I got a right bolocking yesterday.
My grandma came round and she has such a hairy upper lip.
When she was leaving, she asked me why I wouldn't kiss her good bye.
Apprently my answer, "Sorry, must-dash," wasn't the best choice of words.
Roundabouts - Never straight forward, are they?
I made a joke at my cousins funeral today about how he died falling into a hole in the earth.
Went down well.
My disabled friend just told me that some of the things I've been saying about his condition show a lack of sensitivity.
"Like your legs?" I replied.
He grabbed me around my slender neck
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to my dingy room
where we could not be seen.
He tore away my flimsy wrap
and gazed upon my form.
I was so cold and damp and scared
while he was dry and warm.
He pressed his feverish lips to mine
I could not make him stop.
He drained me of my inner self
i gave him every drop.
Then he cast me from his side
so now you see me here.
An empty bottle thrown away
that once was full of beer.
I was molested by my uncle when I was a kid,
It's quite a touching story
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
It was only when I woke up inside a coffin under 6ft of soil that I realised I was in grave danger.
What do you need to get into a Welsh University.
I was asked to man the phones at work the other day.
So I went round and drew a little moustache on all of them.
What do you call an emo with cancer?
The other day in a night club while looking across the room I caught a glimpse up a girls skirt and saw she had "Eat Me" branded across the front of her thong.
I chuckled to myself for a moment and then thought, why would anyone want to eat underwear?
HIV, Chlamydia, Salmonella and a used band-aid go into a bar...
Just another day at the Cadbury factory.
I had a dream last night that our local Market had shrunk.
I woke up and thought, "That's a little Bazaar."
I took a woman for a date.
Easy mistake; she was small, black and wrinkly.
I was so nervous when I met my future father-in-law that i blurted out, "Sir, May I have your daughters hole in handy matrimony?"
I caught my son downloading inappropriate material on the net last night, so i had 'The talk'....
Discussing monthly broadband fees and internet quota is never easy with a 7yr old.
My mate takes part in a weather predicting contest every month.
He's the raining champion.
Confucius says : Woman who spend too much time on bed spring , should get off spring
Top Gear are to replace The Stig with an ex-Police driver.
Everyone already knows him as The Pig
I think it's shocking how black people act these days.
Especially Eddie Murphy.
Here's a good one for you,
I can't decide what type of joke to write in this box,
it's a bit of a grey area...
It was so hot at the kid's playground I came in my shorts.
I only own one running shoe.
It's my personal trainer.