Me and my wife watched three films back to back last night.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

I've got myself a flash motor.
A police speed camera van.

After chopping my wood earlier, I think it's safe to say it's a lot wiser to just let a surgeon handle your vasectomy.

Just seen a job advert in the paper for a 7.5 tonne driver.
How is anyone that fat supposed to drive anything?

As I pulled my wife's knickers off last night, I thought ...
I must stop giving hand jobs to articles of clothing.

My 5 year old daughter said all she wants for Christmas is a pony.
I can't believe she is only going to cost me 25 quid this year.

I picked up a hitch-hiker last night.
I suppose you have to when you hit them.

Took my car into an autocentre and asked the mechanic "Can you check my brakes?"
He asked "How long do you have for lunch?"
I said "Half an hour."
He said "seems okay to me."

My baby girl just wrote cnvorestaion with her letter blocks ...I think she was trying to make conversation.

Missed the bus this morning
The sight on my RPG must be wonky

Heather Mills has gone on a musical tour,
her first round went ok, but she got a bit of stick for her second leg...

For Christmas, my friend is buying me a yearly subscription to the 'Electronic Appliance Impersonators Club'.
I'm quite the fan.

I love geography, I'm Hungary for a Korea in it.

I love this time of year as there's always a Bond movie on.
My favourite has to be The History of Pritt Stick.

During a friends wedding the Priest said, "You may now take a seat."
The congregation looked mortified as I pulled up a pew.

Legs: together we stand, divided we fall.

I looked in the dictionary to find out how to spell the word 'incorrect'. They spelled it the same as me but then they said it was wrong.

I bought my wife a present to make up over the black eye I gave her.
Mascara.

A Man walks into a library and asks for a book on 'diarrhea'
The Librarian says: " Yes but half the pages are missing"

My mate is a DJ on a building site.
He's a concrete mixer

I took my cat to get neutered last week.
He hasn't brought any birds home since.

Me and my wife fell out recently on our way home from a holiday.
Luckily I was the one with the parachute.

Yahoo:'Skier cheats death in fall'.
It's probably because it's safer to ski in winter.

My aunt always wanted to live in a warmer climate but never had the money, so we had her cremated.

I was filling in my form the other day but ended up going out and getting drunk instead - think I must have taken leave of my census.