Wordplay Joke

With his exams coming up my son was told to stop burying his head in the sand.
"That's no way to treat a teacher." The police told him.

Wordplay Joke

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on exhuming .
The librarian says; "Let me just dig it out."

Wordplay Joke

My dad wouldn't hurt a fly.
Which his why he lost his job at Rentokil.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a big believer in Girl-power
I mean those corpses in my garden produce enough methane to power my table lamp

Wordplay Joke

What do Audley Harrison and JLS have in common?
They both had a hit with one shot.

Wordplay Joke

A preposition is a bad thing to end a sentence with.
And a conjunction is a bad thing to begin a sentence with.

Wordplay Joke

I work in the council's housing department and last week I was accused of restricting offers of accommodation to members of ethnic minorities.
I issued them with a flat denial.

Wordplay Joke

My mate's got a brilliant handlebar moustache.
It keeps his hands warm cycling to work.

Wordplay Joke

My mate accused me of exaggerating the scores at Scrabble last night.
I think he had a point.

Wordplay Joke

Why don't Welsh people wear their new trainers to play football?
Because it Wrexham.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a man walking down an icy hill the other day, when he stopped and took out a cigarette. He then threw it, and the packet, in the bin, before sliding and falling down the road.
I don't blame him.
It's a slippery slope.

Wordplay Joke

Doctor- I think I've got Hermes.
Don't you mean herpes?
No. I think I'm a carrier.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a highly successful dairy farmer in France, but sadly my move to England isn't working out too well.
What is it that we love about 'belle cheese' that you English don't?

Wordplay Joke

Teacher: Why can a person`s hand never be more than eleven inches?
Pupil: Because if it were twelve inches,it would be a foot......

Wordplay Joke

My Mrs asked me today if I thought she was fat.
"No. You just look like averaged sized someone far away, but REALLY close up"
Im now single

Wordplay Joke

I started a new job yesterday, and decided to hit the ground running.
As I eagerly rushed into the building, I tripped over the step and broke my nose.

Wordplay Joke

Everytime I climb on top of the wife she shouts, "Get off."
Well I'm not doing it for any other reason.

Wordplay Joke

My mate was telling me about this Scottish guy who made all sorts of brilliant improvements to steam engines and thereby contributed greatly to the industrial revolution.
"Wow" I said "You really know what's watt."

Wordplay Joke

I swapped my wife's parachute for a backpack.
I hope she falls for it.

Wordplay Joke

My mate asked me to join a new dating agency he was in called "coconut"
I wanted to join but i was shy.

Wordplay Joke

Goliath was 14 lbs overweight. David was the perfect weight. What a difference a stone makes!

Wordplay Joke

I told my wife due to the recession we had to dine on a small budget,
I wasn't expecting a baby bird on my plate the next day.

Wordplay Joke

MSN News : 'Beckham Wants More Caps'.
I don't blame him, his hair styles are awful.

Wordplay Joke

I have recently learned my unhealthy eating habits have clogged up my arteries and left me in desperate need of a heart transplant.
In fact, just yesterday I consulted with an advisor over the future I can expect and discussed my choices, when he said
"So Sir, describe your perfect donor"
In hindsight, my response,
"Extra Large, no salad and smothered in garlic and chilli sauce"
wasn't the perfect way to kickstart proceedings.

Wordplay Joke

What is the best and the worst thing about mutual masturbation?
Well on the one hand its great........