Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Man arrested over missing woman
Imagine if he'd have hit her

Wordplay Joke

I hated school. My English teacher said that I would never amount to anything. I said to him, "Mark my words... that's your job."

Wordplay Joke

I always win at Twister.
Hands down.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said that I don't play with our children enough.
If only she knew.

Wordplay Joke

Downloading digital audio has completely revolutionised our lives.
It's the biggest change in the way we buy music since records began.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my brother have had to close down our archery business.
We didn't hit any of our targets in the first 12 months.

Wordplay Joke

I bought a sniper rifle to try and shoot my wife. I climbed to the very top of a tree in the park and tried to shoot her as she climbed out of the car outside our house, but missed.
Maybe I'm setting my sights too high.

Wordplay Joke

I entered a contest last week for the most prominent veins. I didn't win, but I came varicose.

Wordplay Joke

The Self Service Checkout.
Never have the words "This will be much quicker" been so short-lived.

Wordplay Joke

I had to phone in sick at work today.
The guy sat next to me at the call centre puked all over my chair.

Wordplay Joke

You know what?
I really can't stand sitting down.

Wordplay Joke

BBC news headline - "Gang rips out 1km of phone cable".
As of yet the Police have, no leads

Wordplay Joke

I keep buying rocket, but it always goes off before I can eat it.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend keeps a picture of me in a locket hung around her neck, she thinks it brings us closer together.
I think I'm independent.

Wordplay Joke

I went home to my wife after seeing the doctor, ''Honey I have some bad news, I slept with 3 guys on holiday and now I have aids.''
''This has got to be a joke!'' she replied angrily.
''Ok!'' I replied, ''I slept with a Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...''

Wordplay Joke

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Wordplay Joke

Sony. Panasonic, Technics, Bang Olufsen, Teac.
They're just stereotypes.

Wordplay Joke

43 dead, while 75 left seriously injured after a Dr Pepper lorry crashed into primary school.
I'm pretty sure that's the worst that could've happened.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said I could call our new daughter anything I like,
So I called her bluff.

Wordplay Joke

I feel sorry for the 9/11 jumpers.
They'll never sell.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: 'Girl hit by taser by mistake'
Shocking.

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Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.... I said to myself.

Wordplay Joke

some people think they're conkers, but they're horse chestnut seeds.

Wordplay Joke

In relation to the Boxing Day stabbing on Oxford Street, Detective Chief Inspector Dunne, of the Metropolitan Police's homicide command, said that nothing was being discounted.
Doesn't sound like much of a Boxing Day sale to me.

Wordplay Joke

SKY NEWS: Riot in Belgium: Kurds Clash With Police
I always said yellow wasn't their colour.