An octopus tried robbing a bank this morning.
It didn't have a gun, but was well armed.

I reluctantly went for a job at a restaurant today, and the guy said. "You've got the job."
"I can't wait!" I replied.
He said, "Fantastic, I'll see you Monday, 9am."
I don't think he'd noticed that my arms were missing.

My mate got his lower body blown off and had to leave the navy
He tried to get a job in a warehouse but was turned down because he wasn't a wholesailer.

I've had a medical discharge from the Army.
I'm Iraqnaphobic.

The butcher in our town has been there for thirty-eight years.
He is known as the master butcher.
The blacksmith has been there for six generations.
He is known as the master blacksmith.
The baker has been baking bread all his life.
He wants to be known as ''John''.

I was playing golf yesterday when i got a phonecall off the wife saying that my father had just died. I said this ones for pa"

I put a clock under my bench at work.
Im working overtime.

My wife's like a diesel engine.
Torque Torque Torque...

I went into hospital today to have bits of my hand reattached after cutting them off in an accident.
When I arrived in theatre I asked the surgeon how confident he was that he could restore it to its former state.
He said "Its quite a tricky procedure........ but I should be able to put it right...... Fingers crossed."
"No, just the way they were will do thanks," I replied.

Just found a note on my desk saying ''wooooooooOOOooooOOOoooooo''
Must be from my ghost writer.

My new book 'About turtles' is out.
Only in hardback.

We played a deaf football team at the weekend and stuffed them 7-0.
Our fans were singing, "You're not signing anymore".

I'm so looking forward to turkey this Christmas.
I just hope Heathrow gets the runway open.

I had once had a girlfriend that was a dirty slag who after drinking strong anise and fennel based spirits did aerobic workouts and I miss her.
I guess Absinthe makes the tart go Fonda.

I know an electrician with a mild case of epilepsy. He's a light fitter.

My wife just gave birth to my son. I told her I'm not going to help her raise him. It's the least I could do.

I've come up with an idea for a spray that clears the air of all smells.
I went to the patent office and the guy said; "This is madness!"
"No." I said. "This is Non-Scents"

I've been trying to break into the entertainment industry.
Got as far as the ITN News studio before security caught up with me.

What do lesbians need to become bar owners?
A licker licence.

My teacher was trying to get me to answer a question on healthy living but I wouldn't do it.
He said 'you'll answer it if you know what's good for you.'

BBC News: Police arrest ETA chief.
No one knows when he'll get to court

My mate gives me the horn.
He works next to me on the production line in a car plant.

My friend's just bought an old Boeing 747. He plans on turning it into a themed restaurant.
I doubt it'll take off.

Had my lunch today outside a supermarket, or as the Italians call it "Al Tesco".

Despite his current problems, Torres remains a placid guy.
I've never seen him cross.