Wordplay Joke

As a doctor/chef, it's not often that all my skills are required at once.
Today was an exception though.
In the middle of cooking dinner, I had to cure the ham.

Wordplay Joke

I just tried to simultaneously walk a tight rope and browse the internet.
It didn't work though. I couldn't get on line.

Wordplay Joke

"360 vision? I can't get my head around that!"
Said the owl.

Wordplay Joke

Just found my old time-machine,
That brings me back...

Wordplay Joke

My wife wants to go on a road trip around famous Chinese monuments...Her requests are driving me up the wall.

Wordplay Joke

I'm not impressed with my new Blackberry Torch.
I should've got a maglite.

Wordplay Joke

I'm not impressed with my new Blackberry Torch.
I should've got a maglite.

Wordplay Joke

I'd sell my sole to get started in second hand shoe trading.

Wordplay Joke

I used to have dreams before I was married,
Now I cant dream because my wife snores too loud.

Wordplay Joke

Some chump tried to rob my newsagents the other day
I tied him up and hid him in the chocolate section
He's behind bars now

Wordplay Joke

While getting ready for a wedding my wife couldn't decide on which hat to wear, she asked me "Is this one too forward?"
I replied "No, I can still see your face"

Wordplay Joke

I've got a new job selling mansized Kleenex on the high street. The sales pitch is easy.
"Big Tissue!"

Wordplay Joke

I put my house on the Market today.
The stallholders were not very pleased.

Wordplay Joke

My mate keeps me up to date with all the latest news from the world of music, and i thought:
"With friends like him, who needs NME?"

Wordplay Joke

This guy came up to me and said 'magician, wiccan, sourceress' I said speaking of which...

Wordplay Joke

Shaved my hoo ha with Occam's razor.
Now my Man parts are smooth AND have the principle of parsimony.

Wordplay Joke

I came round a corner this morning and thought ;
"I really must get that seen too"

Wordplay Joke

When nothings going right, go left.

Wordplay Joke

I applied for a job at a bakery, but only made the final two.
I don't hold anything against the girl who got the job.
Her knead is greater than mine.

Wordplay Joke

My wife always wanted me to stick up for her.
Robbing the bank with her by my side wasn't what she had in mind.

Wordplay Joke

Yesterday I painted my black slave's hands white to see if it could be a little more productive.
It worked.

Wordplay Joke

I just booked a holiday and in the brochure it said No hairdressers on site
Bonus a holiday without the wife.

Wordplay Joke

Roy Wood (of Wizzard) and Ronnie Wood (The Stones) are getting together to form The Splinter Group.

Wordplay Joke

Never thought I'd be saying 'James Morrison, What a hit!'

Wordplay Joke

I remember when all the other kids at school used to look up to me.
And then the headmaster banned stilts.