Wordplay Joke

My mate joined a bondage website and at first he was sent to Mansfield, then Newark and finally Worksop.
I think he's being Thai'd up in Notts.

Wordplay Joke

I can never seem to sleep on the side of the bed.
Gravity doesn't let me.

Wordplay Joke

My wife has been worried about the corn she found on her foot.
Which makes me slightly suspicious about the footprint in my dinner last night.

Wordplay Joke

My wife is leaving me. She says she has had enough of my getting phrases mixed up. I'm as sick as a fiddle chewing a parrot.

Wordplay Joke

After dropping acid with a friend he turned to me and said, "I think I'm having a bad trip. I feel like a rotten apple, do you know what I mean?"
I said, "Nah mate, I feel peachy."

Wordplay Joke

Since winning the lottery,the amount of people I have caught swimming across my moat at my castle to try and come and ask me for money has been unbelievable.
I cant believe the lengths some people will go to.

Wordplay Joke

I was in a fight in town last night and got thrown through Marks and Spencer's front window.
I've never been in so much pane.

Wordplay Joke

What's orange and sticky?
Fantastic.

Wordplay Joke

The guy who owns SpecSavers must be a very busy person,
He's got loads of Contacts...

Wordplay Joke

A market researcher stopped me earlier and asked me what was my favourite condiment.
I said, "I'd never reveal my sauces."

Wordplay Joke

My dad was only interested in right wing views...
Which is why he lost his job as a football manager.

Wordplay Joke

I just attached pieces of curved wood to the bottom of all my chairs.
They rock.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a post graduate.
I finished uni and got a job at the Royal Mail

Wordplay Joke

I was at the local convent yesterday when I accidentally threw the Sister over a fence using 2 pieces of wood and a chain.
It was a Nunchuck.

Wordplay Joke

I was by the balcony with my wife when she said, "I'm scared of heights"
So I let her go.

Wordplay Joke

My wife mixed her 2 favourite drinks - wine & gin.
It seems to have had a permanent effect as she hasn't stopped whinging since.

Wordplay Joke

I tried and failed at making a suitcase earlier. I couldn't handle it.

Wordplay Joke

I chew through packets of bubblegum.

Wordplay Joke

Having a 'writers block' isn't such a bad thing when compiling a book on stonemasonry.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said she was going to leave me because of my obsession with trees.
I said, 'I just can't live without yew!'

Wordplay Joke

Seems like it's Crimewatch time, favourite part of my night!
Although my wife seems scared of living in Liverpool.

Wordplay Joke

You are under arrest.
He hit himself with it officer, please believe me.
You think this supposed to be some sort of sick backwards joke?
Honestly no officer.
So a black man walked into a bar?

Wordplay Joke

There's a word for people who like to post endless jokes online, hoping they can come up with the best joke of the day and never venture outside of their room. It starts with a 'V' and rhymes with 'Merging.' On a different note, I am currently single and looking, no experience required

Wordplay Joke

MSN News: "Camerons enjoy break in Ibiza."
David Cameron - trying to be 'down with the kids' by giving new meaning to 'The Conservative Party.'

Wordplay Joke

I've developed a machine that slices up members of the band U2.
Its cutting edge.