The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.

Me and my girl plan to recreate every position from the Kama Sutra tonight using only Lego bricks.
The excitement is building.

I threw two DVDs at exactly the same time to see which one would hit the wall first.
It was a discrace.

I fancied some tea this morning so I decided to start making a cup.
Would have been easier to get one out of the cupboard really.

Palestinians have been getting wound up for decades.
Israeli annoying them.

Drilling for oil is boring.

The missus is bullimic and narcoleptic.
She's sick and tired of all the jokes I make about her.

I tried throwing all my socks away, but I got cold feet.

There are three things I want to do in my lifetime
1. Learn to count

congratulations A
congratulations B
congratulations C
It seems congratulations are in order.

I always go for girls in their prime.
2, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13

Why can't you hear a dog whistle?
Because they can't.

Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother.
Taxi Vader.

How do you stop your mouth from freezing?
Grit your teeth!

"Outrage as Madeleine McCann's image used on holiday discount website"
In fairness, the McCanns made a killing on their own holiday.

When we were kids, we couldn't afford toys, holidays or even school uniforms...
So our parents paid for them.

We need to stop teaching our children to sing the alphabet.
It took me 5 years to realise that 'Elemeno' wasn't a letter.

Today, I shall rewrite hostiry.

Sky have won the rights to the World Origami Championship. Unfortunately it's only on paper view.

I proposed to my girlfriend on an escalator yesterday.
It was moving.

Although the riots seem to be over, I still find it hard to comprehend that I didn't see anybody actually taking a stand.
What are they going to put their new TVs on?

A man wakes up on a deserted island only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple. He cried: "Oh no, I've been marooned!"

After an unusually high gas bill, my wife asked me to check the meter.
It was spot on. One hundred centimetres exactly.

My teacher just told me we have an exam on Monday.
That's an oddly specific subject.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven?
He had a huit allergy.