I'm not being paranoid but there's 5 Peruvian Owls standing on my garden fence, watching me through my kitchen window.
I'm sure they're Inca hoots!
My friends say I spend too much time in front of the mirror. I disagree, but I will look into it immediately.
I saw a greenfly earlier.
He was walking.
My recent form at battleships has been so hit and miss.
There's a fine wine between sober and inebriated.
My retinas can now talk to each other thanks to my eye phone.
Last night I dragged my wife along to my mate's house.
I didn't want them to see she's in a wheelchair.
Whilst drunk last night, I somehow ended up in a huge warehouse full of Sister Sledge CDs and couldn't find my way out.
Feel a bit silly now...
...for getting lost in music.
I thought I'd try my hand at a cannibal party...
But apparently it's bad form to eat your own.
War does not determine who is right.
Only who is left.
My girlfriend thinks I don't have a clue what PG Tips is but I've got the tea shirt.
Due to a factory error, my phone now has a colander instead of a calendar.
It really drains the battery.
My mate asked me what my worst ever injury was.
I replied, "He was quite bad in 1982 when I saw him with the Blockheads".
There was an Indian Elvis impersonator at my local club tonight.
He was called Patelvis.
I've recently started a new job in middle management.
I'm a dietician.
With my business doing well in the UK, I decided to crack abroad. But she hit me back.
I dropped a clanger at work today.
They fired me from the bell foundry.
Rip Eddie Stobart. I honestly thought you were in it for the long haul.
It's disillusioning when my magic tricks don't work.
The 2, 3 4 5 and 7 of hearts walked into a crowded bar and shouted 'the drinks are on us'
The barman looked surprised and said, do you realise that this will cost you a fortune?
They said, that's no problem, we're a little flush at the moment.
'Man held after glue theft'
Schoolboy error there by the police!
Inventing upper case letters was a capital idea.
My wife prepared a beautiful dish in the kitchen the other day.
She loves her pottery.
AOL News: EastEnders star quits soap after just one week
She's now using Shower Gel
I was trying to watch a video on how to clean a floor yesterday...
It was a complete disaster, all I got was buffering.