Wordplay Joke

My friend stepped on a land mine for the second time a few days ago;
I'm helping him find his feet again.

Wordplay Joke

Leroy said, "I've got a really bad headache."
I asked, "Have you taken anything?"
He replied, "A couple of aspirin."
I said, "No, have you taken anything? My wallet is missing."

Wordplay Joke

A Mistress is what goes in between a Mister and a Mattress.

Wordplay Joke

If there's two things i hate, its that i can't count.

Wordplay Joke

I've decided to have a party in my vegetable patch tonight.
Lettuce turnip the beet.

Wordplay Joke

I've just heard the shocking news about Elton John dying !
I always thought that was his natural hair colour.

Wordplay Joke

I was sat on the train, and a ginger bloke near me received a text.
I thought, "It must be from Orange."

Wordplay Joke

They believe Michael Jackson's death was due to heredity issues.
The doctors say the cause may have been his Billy gene.

Wordplay Joke

"I might become a window cleaner," my wife said hilariously. "I've just found a ladder in my tights!"
"You should, dear," I replied. "You've already got a bucket in your knickers."

Wordplay Joke

Yesterday I saw a red cross nurse. I would have preferred a blonde cheerful one.

Wordplay Joke

My wife told me some words mean the world to her...
They do to me too, like earth, globe and planet.

Wordplay Joke

When I was at the garden centre today I asked for something herby. .
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver

Wordplay Joke

I wanted to join the police but I failed the screening process. I couldn't even play 'Every Breath You Take'.

Wordplay Joke

There was a demonstration by homeless people in town today.
They were demanding change.

Wordplay Joke

What is Stephen Hawking's favourite cream?
sQWERTY.

Wordplay Joke

I've been developing a photographic memory.

Wordplay Joke

My Dad blames me for his descent into the filthy world of kerb crawling.
He's got a point really; I did sell his wheelchair on e-bay.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the doctors today about my addiction to astrology.
He said "What are the signs?"

Wordplay Joke

How do you make a fruit cordial?
Compliment his shoes.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: 'Man kidnaps his own clone.'
Neighbours say he kept himself to himself.

Wordplay Joke

I asked my nephew what he wants for his 18th birthday.
He said, "Uncle Osama, what I really want is 72 virgins to do whatever I want with."
Well, if that's what he wants then that's what he'll have. It's going to cost him a bomb though.

Wordplay Joke

BBC NEWS: HP to exit PC and tablet business...
It's probably best they stick to making sauces.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend likes a good six-pack in a guy. Funnily enough, I need a good six-pack in me to like the girlfriend.

Wordplay Joke

50 Cent's real name is Arthur Dollar.

Wordplay Joke

The problem with employing homeless people is that they don't think outside the box.