I decided to ruin to my ex's wedding by revealing that she used to be a man.
My plan went off without a hitch.

The day I won the lottery my girlfriend was made up.
But now I've been out and bought one.

I quit my job on Jupiter.
The hours were too long.

After six months and still no word, I'm beginning to think my Microsoft Office order was unsuccessful.

I've just eaten some Kiwi and it tasted awful...
That's the last time I try shoe polish.

My mate challenged a dolphin to a one on one fight. After the dolphin accepted his challenge, he then pulled out a harpoon and shot him.
Really defeats the porpoise.

I had an argument with my dentist about the rinsing of my dentures.
But we've managed to sort things out.
It's water under the bridge.

My mate Dave reckoned being more flexible would help him get sucked off more often.
Turned out he was just getting ahead off himself.

Whenever it's my mate's birthday I always offer to have his party at my house.
I really enjoy everyone's presents.

My grandad wanted to play charades, so I said "ok, you go first and I'll try and guess."
He drew a box in the air. "TV show" I said, grandad nodded.
He wiggled his ear. "Sounds like" I said, grandad nodded.
He tapped his chest. "Heart" I said, I could tell he was nervous as his face reddened, but he nodded in agreement.
He grabbed his chest and fell to the floor, he was lifeless and limp.
"ART ATTACK!" I yelled "your turn grandad."

Yesterday, my mate said he could control people's minds.
I said "Don't make me laugh."

I must have forgotten the meaning of one-night-stand...
My feet are killing me.

My mate wanted me to help him when he abseiled for charity.
I had to let him down.

Did you hear about the pencil who wouldn't move?
He was just stationary

The wife's getting huge on a diet consisting only of Greek cheese.
She's just getting feta and feta.

I spent all yesterday scattering wood chips under the swings and around the climbing frames.
Now I just sit back and wait for all the fat kids to get splinters in their teeth.

My mate works for a mail order puppet company.
He can pack a Punch.

I've kept a low profile since our local Kwik-Fit was robbed.

So it looks like Greece is going to have to exit from the Euro and go back to their old currency.
Typical of the Greeks, always making a Drachma out of a crisis.

I'm not too keen on roller-coasters.
My cup of tea just keeps moving around the table.

According to the police,
Despite being called "Firework night", setting fire to my office is still illegal.

I made a name for myself working in the British deed poll offices.

I was driving home from work today when I had to change a flat.
I'm really into feng shui.

"Doctor, I can't stop shouting Booyacashew!"
"That sounds like a nut Ali G"

I was playing darts with my son today.
He wouldn't stick in the board though, no matter how hard I threw him.