I met a girl the other week who said she likes to take charge in the bedroom.
So I tasered her.
Dear me, I should really stop writing letters to myself...
Do I really need to tell you the first rule of rhetorical question club?
I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered a meal. Ten minutes later this duck waddles up to me,gives me a single red rose and says, "Your lips are like rubies and your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I called the waiter over and said "Excuse me. I ordered aromatic duck".
This necrophiliac got himself a new girlfriend.
However he was in doubt whether he cadaver or not.
I have a black friend who cleans out my ears when he comes round
He is my cotton bud
I've been driving in my car. And I thought:
This is Madness.
At a theatre audition, a little girl had had nine attempts to conceal her lisp, leaving just one left.
It was a tenth situation.
My wife has just delivered twin boys and let me name them.
From her reaction, I'm guessing Pete and Repeat wasn't the best choice.
I just got asked if I wanted to invest in a business selling raisins.
I said, "Fine, take it from my current account."
Just paid a fortune to have my house painted. It would have been cheaper to take a photograph.
My ex girlfriend text to say that she'd made a voodoo doll of me.
I think she's pulling my leg.
Tonight I saw a sign that said, 'Smoking kills'.
I thought, 'Wow, a talking sign.'
I've found a great way to last longer in bed...
...don't set your alarm clock.
I've never been on a date before.
But I did once come in a watermelon.
Honestly Leeds, I've seen better crosses in a mosque.
On a trip to America I called into a book store.
I asked, "How much for this book love?"
She said, "That's five bucks."
I said, "No, it's just one."
Beards: They grow on you!
I think it's an absolute disgrace that some chavs threw bleach over a woman in a cinema recently.
She could have dyed.
Why was Lady Gaga at the MOBO awards if she's White?
Or is it now "Music of Bloke Origin?"
I don't approve of my girlfriend's one night stand.
Why should she be the only one with somewhere to put a bedside lamp.
My vet keeps putting down my pets.
He tells them they're fat.
I love my job as a genetic engineer, just this week I spliced together a llama and a giraffe.
For a laugh.
We were preparing for a party the other day and my wife asked me to put together a mixture of different alcohols and fruit juices. However, I wish she'd actually said that, instead of 'I'd like a good punch'.
I've finally come to terms with my hideous deformity.
She's agreed to a divorce.