Wordplay Joke

I've just come home after watching a football match for ballerinas.
It finished 2-2.

Wordplay Joke

I always like to wake my girlfriend up in the morning with a coffee...
Most people prefer a bucket of cold water, but I like to get my message across.

Wordplay Joke

A man walks into the doctors alone and says.
"Doctors, doctors, you've all got to help us. We are feeling very odd todays, we can't help multiplying everything we says. What is wrong with us doctors?"
"Oh, that's easy." Replied the doctor. "You've got Pleurisy."

Wordplay Joke

I watched man on fire today.
In retrospect I should have called the fire brigade.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a Keane percussionist.
They've just sacked their drummer.

Wordplay Joke

I listen to my wife making up the most unbelievable stories at 4 in the morning.
I don't wake her up though, I prefer to let sleeping dogs lie.

Wordplay Joke

Our local school had a "Fun Day" today. They learned about irony.

Wordplay Joke

Ordered a chicken pie at the pub today and found a wooden stick and a young child's patella in my food.
My wife thinks I should have complained, but I didn't really mind. I quite like stake and kid knee pies.

Wordplay Joke

In this time of austerity and recession I have decided to produce my tightrope act on a shoestring.

Wordplay Joke

A woman came round to the flat today to buy my vibrator.
I buzzed her in.

Wordplay Joke

Just ate a whole box of wafer thin ham slices...
Man, I feel like a pig.

Wordplay Joke

They say its bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the morning of the wedding day.
I said to my wife ''Thats weird, I dont remember seeing you in the morning''

Wordplay Joke

Me? Save for a rainy day?
Noah way.

Wordplay Joke

I live by the writings of the wise philosopher Heinze.
It gives you a higher sense of bean.

Wordplay Joke

My mate keeps boasting that he can ride his bike in reverse.
When I asked him to prove it, he started back-pedalling.

Wordplay Joke

My wife asked me to get her a couple of bits whilst I was out today...
...she was really pleased when I came back with a whole byte.

Wordplay Joke

My little niece is coming round to stay next weekend and I've just remembered her fondness for white chocolate.
The milkybars are on me.

Wordplay Joke

I'm trying to prove to my family I don't need a sat nav.
I've got a plan.

Wordplay Joke

I was jailed for a year in Iran, just for smoking a spliff.
How was I to know? I was told they were stoners.

Wordplay Joke

Some guy just hit me over the head with a device for limiting sound waves.
I was baffled.

Wordplay Joke

Some guy just hit me over the head with a device for limiting sound waves.
I was baffled.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News - Bangladesh to exhume lashed girl
I never knew they had a binge drinking problem in the muslim world too

Wordplay Joke

I had to identify my brothers body after he ate a jigsaw puzzle and choked to death.
He looked so piece full.

Wordplay Joke

My grandma spends most of the time listening to her new wireless.
She hasn't yet got the hang of the Internet.

Wordplay Joke

In the Middle East Muslims are getting in fights with their former supporters.
The Shiites are hitting their fans