Wordplay Joke

My mum just told me she was gonna stay in and watch True Grit tonight
I said "NICE... with Jeff Bridges?"
She said "No...just me and your dad"

Wordplay Joke

I've just thought, how are Norwegian mediums planning to contact all the people who died in the Oslo bomb attack and the shooting?
Are they going to use a 'wegie board?

Wordplay Joke

I used to watch every Celtic game for free as a wee boy...
The water boys job was taken.

Wordplay Joke

Soon Muslims will be driving round in their Nissan sunny's trying to pick up young white girls whilst celebrating yet another one of their pointless holidays.
Take Eid of what I've told you.

Wordplay Joke

What did the fairytale character say when she visited Birmingham?
Snow Whites.

Wordplay Joke

My wife left me last week. I've never been so depressed.
There hasn't been anybody to do the ironing.

Wordplay Joke

I quit my job at the Hairdressers.
There were just too many big wigs in the office.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: "Typhoon jets grounded"
Maybe that'll teach them to stop getting into fights.

Wordplay Joke

My name is Midgetorius.
Midget for short.

Wordplay Joke

My labourer doesn't believe I can speak to spirits on one of my work tools.
He said, "Honestly?"
"On the level." I replied.

Wordplay Joke

The UAF Played the National Front football team today.
Five minutes in they were complaining about their own players goal hanging.

Wordplay Joke

NEWS : Bin Laden was killed by a single shot through the eye from a US Navy Seal.
I find it hard to believe that a man who went to Cambridge University and founded Al-Qaeda fell for the old, 'Hey Osama, could you check to see if my gun barrel is clean?...'

Wordplay Joke

I thought i'd made a mistake going to Downtown today, turns out it wasn't such a bad idea, i've never felt so smart.

Wordplay Joke

In Mcdonalds today there was a sign on the sink which read...
"We recycle 92% of the URINAL water..."
I've washed my hands with it now.

Wordplay Joke

I've just seen Gok Wan on a Rickshaw.
He had him bent over, doggy style.

Wordplay Joke

My band got booed off at the singles club party last night when we dared to play 'Lonely This Christmas'.
I'm telling you, our name was Mud.

Wordplay Joke

I went fishing today and caught a perch.
The bird that was sat on it wasn't very impressed.

Wordplay Joke

Sword sheaths...
I don't see the point.

Wordplay Joke

Sun News: Hunt for street's cat killer.
Now who trained it to do that? I'm looking at you, Susan Boyle.

Wordplay Joke

A black guy came up to me in the street and said, "Hey, I'm the master of disguise."
I looked at the white bloke he was with and said, "I think you'll find he's the master and you're the slave."

Wordplay Joke

A double glazing salesman knocked at the door today.
He promised me an excellent deal......but I could see right through him!

Wordplay Joke

I'm supposed to working, but I heard someone use the word "procrastination", so I'm just going to look it up first.

Wordplay Joke

I hate the boss of the Air Conditioning company I work for.
He always blows hot and cold.

Wordplay Joke

I had a lovely meal last night. Can't tell you what though as there's a supper injunction in place

Wordplay Joke

I invested all my money into buying shares in oxo. Thought I'd try my hand at the stock Market.