Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte.

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from homesickness, saying that, even though he's happy in Manchester, he does Miss Wales occasionally.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.

I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

Wind turbines.
I'm a big fan.

Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"S."
"Ja."

I've just been given two weeks to live.
The wife's gone away for a fortnight.

Local girl Joanna Mow leaps to her death on her birthday...
Your middle name wouldn't be Ronny would it Jo?

I auditioned for Britain's Got Talent when it visited Cardiff. But, shockingly, I was turned down.
That's right, my signature 'balancing a Mars Bar on my head for ten minutes' failed to impress Simon Cowell.
He said, "Sorry, but Osama Bin Laden's had a Bounty on his head for eight years."

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

A book just fell on my head.
I've only got myshelf to blame.

I shot someone with a starting gun.
I've been charged with race crimes

I got an e-mail saying 'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!'
I thought, "That's just spam."

Capitalisation is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."

So 1p has been cut from petrol?
I don't think etrol has quite the same ring to it.

Do you know what really makes me smile?
Facial muscles.

I phoned my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough."
He said, "You have a wee cough?"
I said, "Really? Cheers boss, see you next week!"

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.
This one was written in London.

I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.
For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.
When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.
When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.