Wordplay Joke

Looked through the window this morning and noticed a bloke was stealing all the gates in the street. I didn't say anything though in case he took offense.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with electricity
It's not my volt

Wordplay Joke

'I guess you put all your eggs in one basket,' I laughed.
Turns out that wasn't the best way to ease the tension after the wife's 0% fertility test result at the clinic

Wordplay Joke

Emile Heskey is on the look out for a club.
He missed the ball and it flew out of his hand during a game of golf earlier.

Wordplay Joke

My mum threatened to stab me in the eye with a needle yesterday.
I failed to see the point in this.

Wordplay Joke

I just clapped a fly.
For managing to hit my window 242 times without dying.

Wordplay Joke

My friend showed me the fish at the bottom of his garden.
One of them fluttered its eyelashes at me, then quickly swum away.
I think it was a little coy.

Wordplay Joke

I've just bought a copy of my own autobiography.
That says a lot about me as a person.

Wordplay Joke

I just had a box of Kleenex thrown at me.
It's okay, it was only soft tissue damage..

Wordplay Joke

British Airways and Air France.
They came.
They saw.
They concorde.

Wordplay Joke

My mate told me there's no such thing as talking money.
I said "I've got twenty quid that says there is"

Wordplay Joke

I ran into a few difficulties when I first started my business of providing exercise routines for 70's rock bands.
It's fine now though, I've worked out the kinks.

Wordplay Joke

I've just eaten a yogurt that correctly guesses your time and cause of death.
It was a Muller Coroner...

Wordplay Joke

I'm a raging alcoholic, it's okay though my girlfriend loves the Irish accent.

Wordplay Joke

My antique Georgian mahogany writing desk has wormholes.
I opened a drawer and ended up in the Nebula Galaxy.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to ask out a girl who works un-feathering chickens, but I couldn't pluck up the courage to ask.

Wordplay Joke

I met my wife whilst we were both having a go on the Coconut Shy at the fairground.
We hit it off immediately.

Wordplay Joke

I divided 3 into 1 in my sleep.
It's a recurring dream.

Wordplay Joke

Don't push me cause i'm close to the edge...
But I'm not too keen on Bono.

Wordplay Joke

I was playing brick breaker with my new Blackberry earlier. The brick won.

Wordplay Joke

A homeless man came up to me and said, ''Will suck for money!''
I thought about and said, ''yeah, why not!''
He stunk of urine but my carpet hasn't been that clean in years.

Wordplay Joke

I asked my lawyer how he slept at night?
"First I lie on one side,"he said, "Then I lie on the other."

Wordplay Joke

If the chemical composition of Water is 'H2O' . .
Is the chemical composition of Holy Water, 'H2OMG' ?

Wordplay Joke

I joined The Pessimists Society.
Where we agree to disagree.

Wordplay Joke

Whenever I meet new people, I tell them that I drive a gritting lorry during snowfall.
It helps to break the ice...