Wordplay Joke

A woodworm goes into a restaurant.
''Table for two please.''

Wordplay Joke

Because of my age, I've had to give up my secret role as Veg-Man, the superhero guardian of allotments.
I'm no spring onion any more.

Wordplay Joke

I hate having the top bunk. I always oversleep.

Wordplay Joke

I was helping the midwife deliver my wife's baby earlier.
"Push!" shouted the midwife.
"I am but it wont go back in!" I screamed back.

Wordplay Joke

I always wash my clothes at 40.
Last time I tried to wash them at 60 I got points on my licence.

Wordplay Joke

My mate asked me if I would ever consider kissing a mirror.
To be honest, it's not really something I can see myself doing.

Wordplay Joke

I was driving onto the back of the ferryboat when I saw a sign above the entrance in large white letters:
"Switch off your car alarm! Noncompliance will lead to a fine of 500 pounds."
That's a stern warning, I thought.

Wordplay Joke

I met my wife on a morse code course, we were happy at first but then she left me.
She said I'd started sending out the wrong signals.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a fat man surrounded by several scantily-clad women?
A plimp

Wordplay Joke

To Two 2 Too..
As if one isn't enough.

Wordplay Joke

My mate Kane always runs whenever it gets really windy and it baffles me so i said "Oi, Are you in a hurry kane"?

Wordplay Joke

When packing my suitcase before leaving a hotel, I get these urges.
I try to resist, but end up throwing in the towel.

Wordplay Joke

A mate came to visit me the other week
''Did you come on the bus?'' I asked him.
His reply was ''Yes I did as a matter of fact ! The driver was not happy though.''

Wordplay Joke

My wife ordered a pair of shoes last night.
Heston Blumenthal has gone too far this time.

Wordplay Joke

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
That is, unless you choke on it.

Wordplay Joke

There are nine cows in a field, which one is from the middle east?
Cow eight.

Wordplay Joke

My nan's retirement home is a very clothes-knit community.

Wordplay Joke

Green tea: Nowhere near as fun as it sounds.

Wordplay Joke

I just completed an obstacle course.
I'm now certified to prevent or hinder progress.

Wordplay Joke

I'm sat watching a bloke in a dress, with a hearing aid, smoke a spliff. I've always wanted one of those high deaf TV's.

Wordplay Joke

Anyone heard of my friend Maklegending??
He's a legend in the making.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to sue apple for false advertising, the guy at the genius bar couldn't even explain the theory of relativity to me.

Wordplay Joke

When I was in America, I met one of those very large Americans. He said he fitted kitchens,
I said, "I bet you don't".

Wordplay Joke

How were the Police caught unawares?
The MET office issued a warning about a tropical disturbance days ago.

Wordplay Joke

How were the Police caught unawares?
The MET office issued a warning about a tropical disturbance days ago.