As we watched Strictly last night, my wife seemed to become jealous of my fixation with Holly.
"Valance, it's a stupid name," she said, "that's a kind of blanket isn't it?"
"That's right," I replied. "And that's how I'd want her, on a bed, spread."

"This is neither the time,nor the place"
Said the confused time traveller.

I was outbid 10p for a settee on ebay.
So close, yet sofa.

The food at Nando's is fowl.

I got my first tweet today.
My best fwend took me for a huge ice cweem.

Well if I'm guilty of being an escape artist, lock me up and throw away the key.

It doesn't matter what time of year it is, when you're an alcoholic, it's always shorts weather.

If you don't liquor,
she'll wine.

This old woman came up to me today and said "Can you see me across the road?"
I said. "Hang on, I'll run over and have a look."

"I'll catch you later!" I said to my son.
"But Dad," He replied, "...the fire's almost reached the bedroom door."

Pizza Huts are the future.
As opposed to Pasta tents.

Whenever I visit America I always wear short sleeves. Not because it's warm, but it is my right to bare arms.

I was playing Sporting Top Trumps with my friend Leroy today,
I had Tim Henman and he won with usain bolt.
I thought it was a bit unfair him playing the race card like that..

"Winehouse DEAD".
Unfortunately, it's only Threshers going into administration.

W------L
-----E------L
That's well out of line.

I always go to work wearing baggy trousers in honour of a band.
My wife thinks it's Madness.

Sky News: Young Brit Achieves 'Crazy' Everest Dream
So finally they've agreed triple glazing could work?

News : 'Primark Fined For Producing 'Bra's For Kids'.
There's nothing wrong with a bit of child support.

My girlfriend text me and said she couldn't see me anymore.
I was hiding behind the sofa.

I had some time to burn earlier so I set fire to the local Watchmaker's.

I hate driving on motorways.
It's such a dangerous place to play golf.

Just after I saw a magpie outside, Antonio Banderas burst into my room wearing a mask and cape.
Well, you know what they say: One for Zorro.

Aretha Franklin unharmed in plane crash.
She was the soul survivor.

I might take my small brown pet for a walk this morning.
Lovely day ferret.

I can jump higher than a house.
A house can't jump.