So every cloud has a silver lining?
Pff, tell that to the people Hiroshima.
Kuwaiti police investigating a deadly blaze at a wedding tent that killed 43 women and children say the ex-wife of the groom has confessed to starting it.
They have charged her with arson within tent.
I've just seen a group on Facebook called, 'I hate feet'.
Obviously these people are fans of the metric system.
I knew a guy who fell into an industrial grinding machine.
He's fine now.
My mate asked me the other day if I fancied playing with some dirty old slag round the back of the steel mill.
My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.
What's the difference between a circus act and some lap dancers?
One's a cunning array of stunts...
I asked my boss if I could leave half an hour early the other day.
He said, " Only if you make up the time."
I said, " OK. It's 35 past 50."
Do you know how annoying it is when people answer their own questions? Very.
My mum just texted me saying 'call me ASAP'
I think I'll stick to calling her 'Mum'.
I went to Boots and said, "Can I have a bottle of shampoo please."
The woman said, "Extra volume?"
I said, "CAN I HAVE A BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO PLEASE!"
Everything is easier said than done.
Except for talking, that's about the same.
I asked this Australian bloke how far away I was from Queensland.
He replied, "It's twenty clicks away, mate."
Things must be bad if they've started speaking dolphin.
I won 10,000 on a scratchcard last week and the wife said we should draw up a list of what to spend it on.
"Well, I'm going to book a holiday for one."
"Oh goody" she screamed excitedly, "I can't wait!"
Can't help thinking she's misunderstood what I said.
I'm an indonesian five-year-old and I made your PC.
I tied the knot with a beautiful young woman yesterday.
Pity I'm an executioner.
I was reading through the ingredients for a fruit salad I'm making today and it said:
"Pineapples: five cubed."
I'm not sure though, 125 will probably be too many.
I love it when celebrities act like their name suggests, such as Lady Gaga or Princess Di.
When I was young, my mum always used to hit me with the telephone. I was always on the receiving end.....
"007, listen carefully, I have some fantastic Hi-Tech trainers for you."
"OK, what do they do?"
"Erm nothing, but they were cheap."
I used to be quite good at wordplay.
Once a pun a time.
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
"What are you going to do now?" asks the angel.
"Call it a day," says God.
Putting the relation into relationship.
Blunt knives are pointless.
So what if I can't spell armaggedon? It's not the end of the world.