Man fired for washing himself with urine
One minute urine, the next urout.

Normally, I can sense water sources, but I'm not feeling well today.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my indecisiveness, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

I nearly came in my new trousers today.
Put my jeans on instead.

Statistically 2 in 1 people prefer Spit-Roasts.

I've just bought a lovely little old cottage. It's got sanitary towels stuck to most of the walls, tampons hanging from the ceiling and blood on most of the carpets.
I wanted one with a lot of period features.

A hypnotist put me in a trance where I thought I was playing a never ending game of cards.
Fortunately, I managed to snap out of it.

Had some golden nuggets this morning.
Nothing better than waking up and taking advantage of limbless Asian girls.

Every year my mate says he's going on an expensive longhaul holiday, yet every year he ends up camping in Devon.
Torquays cheap.

At first I thought my yoga instructor was lying, then I realized she was just stretching the truth.

The wife was countin out a load of 1p's & 2p's on the kitchen table, suddenly she got angry & started shoutin & cryin for no apparent reason!, I thought to myself: 'she's goin thru the change!!'

I was eating Walkers crisps today.
He punched me and took them back.

The girls in my gym are so fit.
I suppose they should be, that jungle gym is an intense workout.

Petsmart have a sale on mute Parrotts, at 3 each this offer wont be repeated.

There are so many obvious jokes about Jonnie Marbles
He's got a screw loose.

At a recent comedy night a bloke would stand on the stage in-between each act and shout "Pollyfilla!"
I think he was just filling the gaps.

"What do we want?"
"A cure for Stuttering!"
"When do we want it?"
"N n n nnn n n n n n nnn nn ,,,,,Soon!."

My wife made a special baked custard dish that made us all dribble.
Apparently it's called a retart.

Think I'm onto a real winner with my latest invention, herb and spice dumbbells specifically for women.
Thyme weights for no man.

I got my brother a job at a textile factory.
I had to pull a few strings but I made it happen

I got the worst ever hangover this morning.
Last time I buy a DVD from that market again.

Someone stole all my string.
But I'm not going twine about it

CAUTION DYSLEXICS: Cillit Bang is NOT some kind of magical lube

I really, really, absolutely, positively without a shred of doubt hate the use of superfluous words.

I walked into a library and asked, do you have a book on drugs?
The lady said, yes, it's wandering around aisle three talking to itself.