Wordplay Joke

Just bought a new TV, but it didn't come with anything to put it on. This is wrong, and I have not gotta stand for it!

Wordplay Joke

My favourite ever memory is sleeping with my high school chemistry teacher.
I'm still coming two terms with it.

Wordplay Joke

It was necessary to give my wife two black eyes last night.
One way or another, she will panda to my needs!

Wordplay Joke

I was tidying up with the kids, today.
That'll teach them to play poker with their pocket money.

Wordplay Joke

Elton John: "I'm not one of those who can easily hide."
...You mean you're fat?

Wordplay Joke

I got a deep throat off my girlfriend for the first time yesterday,
There's a gag in there somewhere.

Wordplay Joke

I am sitting on a train. I should probably climb inside and sit down before we reach a tunnel.

Wordplay Joke

Apparently cluelessness is a sign of brilliance, I had no idea!

Wordplay Joke

My mate couldn't recall what muscles contracted in the chest when breathing.
So I showed him a diaphragm.

Wordplay Joke

I've just been sniffing glue with all the local tramps.
We're out of our boxes!

Wordplay Joke

Yesterday , I wrote on my friend's wall for his birthday.
He says that he was disgusted because he got it painted three days ago.

Wordplay Joke

I was walking the dog earlier when the wife gave me a stern look and handed me the lead.
Reluctantly, I put down my yo-yo and led the mutt outside.

Wordplay Joke

I don't understand any of these terms like LAN, WAN, ROM and RAM.
It's all Geek to me.

Wordplay Joke

I've just found out my wife's on the game.
I was pheasantly surprised.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend asked me to sing a David Bowie song on karaoke.
I said, "No, you know I can't sing, Let's dance."

Wordplay Joke

While walking across a street in Baghdad , I saw a metallic object which explodes on contact with anything what so ever.
That has to be mine.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Earthquake hits West of Scotland.
Not much rubble but residents advised to move gingerly.

Wordplay Joke

if my cat does a fart, does that still count as a queef?

Wordplay Joke

I went to Wolverine's house party yesterday - it didn't end well...
...someone spiked the punch

Wordplay Joke

I looked up synonyms for the word 'death'. I was at words for a loss.

Wordplay Joke

I see cigarette papers have gone up in price again?
I had to pay 75p for 'The Marlboro Times' this morning.

Wordplay Joke

My mate said to me, "Did you know that Harrier Fighter Jets take off vertically?"
I said, "Straight up?"

Wordplay Joke

The best part of clubbing baby Seals is the horrified look on Heidi Klum's face.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: "Black Eyed Peas to play Wireless"
So now they aren't even trying to hide their lip syncing.

Wordplay Joke

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes seventy cents. Thats not fair. It only leaves the man with thirty.