Wordplay Joke

Theres nothing on the telly these days.
And thats the disadvantage of flatscreen TVs.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

Wordplay Joke

Persuasive carjackers
You've got to give it to them

Wordplay Joke

MSN News:
"Andre bessotted with Burke"
I thought they split up?

Wordplay Joke

Spaghetti Girls...straight until wet

Wordplay Joke

So I was reading the newspaper and I saw an article about a community building in Poland collapsing during an open house. Several were killed and over three hundred wounded.
I thought to myself, thats odd, you'd think 300 poles could hold up a roof.

Wordplay Joke

I was walking home last night from the pub and the next thing I remember is waking up in hospital with the words 'worlds best boyfriend' imprinted on my forehead,
I think I was mugged.

Wordplay Joke

I left the bath running the other night.
It was only when I got half way up my street that I realised I had no clothes on.

Wordplay Joke

I was thinking the other day so I shouted "Thumone help me! I can't thwim!"

Wordplay Joke

Me and my mate were in the snooker club when he gave me a twenty pound note to get the drinks in.
I came back with two pints and gave him a quid change.
He asked, "Where's the rest mate?"
I said, "At the end of the table where it always is."

Wordplay Joke

My thick Chinese mate is constantly getting terrible grades.
He's Fei Ling.

Wordplay Joke

I had a one night stand recently, and to be honest, I would have much preferred sitting.

Wordplay Joke

As I was just minding my own buisness this midget came up to me screaming and shouting about me staring at him and his family. I said, "Im sorry mate I wasn't staring I was just in a world of my own."
As I walked off I thought, "I think I've come away the bigger man."

Wordplay Joke

My mate said he'd buy me a pint if I could think of another word that means 'final score'.
Result!

Wordplay Joke

I phoned my daughter's drama teacher today and told her my daughter is sick and can't make drama club tonight.
She said, "Oh my god! We're all doomed! Oh my god! The world will end! I'm having a nervous breakdown! Oh my god! I'm having a heart attack! Oh! Oh!"

Wordplay Joke

My wife was contemplating having a flu vaccine but I refused to give her advice. I just didn't want to influenza decision.

Wordplay Joke

I found graphs so hard to understand, I could have killed my teacher. If only I knew how to use the axes.

Wordplay Joke

Glitter is something small kids play with.

Wordplay Joke

Alcohol kills nervous tissue and cells.
But the calm ones remain!

Wordplay Joke

I did a bit of cross dressing this morning.
The vicar said it really brightened up the church.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend asked me yesterday if I preferred her red or dark brown.
I just wish she'd wear a clean pair of knickers.

Wordplay Joke

My server went down on me today. Turns out over-tipping isn't always a bad thing.

Wordplay Joke

My mate asked me if I could name a three letter word starting with A and ending with Y?
I was stumped, I don't know why I couldn't think of any.

Wordplay Joke

I hate camouflage clothing. You wouldn't see me wearing it.

Wordplay Joke

I have a reoccurring nightmare that when I die, I'll come back as a bin in a Rastafarian hairdressers. Fills me with dread.