Wordplay Joke

I've just joined the Coast Guard
Should be an easy job, no-one's going to nick the coast

Wordplay Joke

What sections of swimming pools do I prefer? Hmm... Depends.

Wordplay Joke

Been trying to work out why my pen isn't working all day and it's just clicked...

Wordplay Joke

My dad was killed working in a betting shop when it collapsed and he was pinned against the wall by boxes of betting slips.The fire brigade tried to help but the odds were stacked against him

Wordplay Joke

I was taking a short cut across a field the other day,
I was halfway across when the farmer approached me and said,
"Did you leave that small wooden step at the edge of my field?"
I replied, "No, it wasn't me, that's not my stile"

Wordplay Joke

Got my new Dorito swimming trunks today. Might go for a dip later.

Wordplay Joke

Local headline: March brings city to standstill
Your move, April.

Wordplay Joke

People from Hull speak with a distinctive accent which can make certain expressions ambiguous.
For instance, 'half hearted' can mean 'lacking enthusiasm' or 'I have just broken wind'.

Wordplay Joke

what do you call a terrorist brain surgeon?
Mind Blowing

Wordplay Joke

I was in this club last night when a beautiful blonde girl asked me for my number.
So I gave her the ticket and she got me my coat.

Wordplay Joke

I was stopped by a policeman and asked if I could identify myself. I looked in the mirror and said, "Yes officer, it's definitely me."

Wordplay Joke

I was having an argument with the girlfriend last night.
In a rage I shouted "If you don't shut up I'm gonna give you a lazy eye!"
"Don't you mean a black eye?" she replied.
"Precisely!"

Wordplay Joke

My doctor has prescribed a natural therapy for my clogged pores, involving rubbing uncooked corn all over myself. He refers to it as "Hard pore cornography".

Wordplay Joke

As I sat watching my teenage son sit in the living room spending hours varnishing his nails last night, I couldn't help but think to myself,
"Maybe he's not cut out to be a carpenter."

Wordplay Joke

"But, Holmes, what kind of rock could be formed by deposition and consolidation of mineral and organic material and from the precipitation of minerals from a solution?"
"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."

Wordplay Joke

There were 3 possible burial sites for Osama Bin Laden. CIA only refer to these sites as A, B and C. Apparently he was buried at C.

Wordplay Joke

What's another word for thesaurus?

Wordplay Joke

That settles it, I'm never going back to Yorkshire again. I went into the local supermarket and asked where I could find towels, and they gave me directions to the bird sanctuary!

Wordplay Joke

I got my girlfriend the Connery and Dalton James Bond films for her birthday, but she wasn't happy.
I think she was expecting Moore.

Wordplay Joke

Just got back from the latest Apple convention, with Steve Jobs giving the key note speech featuring a new product for speedy web access.
It hangs from just above each eye, giving the user full control over website search.
Apple are calling it, the iBrowse

Wordplay Joke

I used to be brilliant at robotic dancing.
I'm a bit rusty now though.

Wordplay Joke

What's the difference between exaggeration and contradiction?
Tons of stuff, but not a great deal.

Wordplay Joke

I've got a new job at Tesco designing coupons for all their magazines and cereal boxes.
I'm really going to have my work cut out.

Wordplay Joke

If an Earl is awarded an O.B.E, does he become an earlobe?

Wordplay Joke

The name for the head of the Indian Mafia is 'Poppa Don'