Wordplay Joke

The heiress to the Johnson and Johnson empire has been found dead in her LA home.
The family have asked for no more tears.

Wordplay Joke

What's Coleen Rooney and Man Utd got in common?
They both wish Wayne was Fit...

Wordplay Joke

I just saw two bits of sellotape stuck to a lamppost.
Must have been a missing poster.

Wordplay Joke

See. Smell. Taste. Feel.
I think I can adhere to that.

Wordplay Joke

I've decided to take up netball.
I was a professional basketball player, but I couldn't stand all the travelling.

Wordplay Joke

My wife is always ordering me around.
In fact, I don't think I've bought her ONE drink since we've been together.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine' because I'm terrible at tennis.

Wordplay Joke

I renewed my drivers license today and was asked if I wanted to be an organ donor. I declined but did offer to give them my old harmonica.

Wordplay Joke

Everytime I finish a Mars Bar and throw away the packet, I smile ironically and wish it was that easy to destroy a black rapper.

Wordplay Joke

When are lawyers guaranteed to lose a case?
At Heathrow.

Wordplay Joke

I find it difficult to count in Roman numerals until the number 159.
Then it just CLIX.

Wordplay Joke

How do you make teenage boys more interested in history?
Teach them how to delete it.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my son were on the tube earlier today when eventually I just sighed and said, "We're never gonna get this last bit of toothpaste out."

Wordplay Joke

I got into a fight last night and the guy pulled a razor out.
He would have used it too, if he'd found somewhere to plug it in.

Wordplay Joke

Just seen a sign outside B&Q: "Stainless Steel Sinks".
Bit obvious, I thought.

Wordplay Joke

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Wordplay Joke

I keep having reocurring nightmares where I'm surrounded by loads of nude pregnant women.
Could I be going through a midwife crisis?

Wordplay Joke

Apprehended :
The new App that reminds you your hen is dead.

Wordplay Joke

'My post box' has got nine letters in it.

Wordplay Joke

BREAKING NEWS: repair man wanted.

Wordplay Joke

Clairvoyants meeting cancelled due to unforeseen events.

Wordplay Joke

Ok so we lost, let's not make Emile out of it.

Wordplay Joke

What does God call his nose?
God knows.

Wordplay Joke

Treadmills get you nowhere.

Wordplay Joke

I'm planning on becoming a shepherd.
It's easy, I herd.