Wordplay Joke

*BREAKING NEWS*
Dead body found in man's luggage at Gatwick.
Police say it's a simple open and shut case.

Wordplay Joke

Experts have discovered that stress can be relieved with food.
I find a nice ham shank does the trick every time.

Wordplay Joke

After crashing my car I didn't know what to do, so I phoned the AA.
They weren't much help, they just told me to stop drinking.

Wordplay Joke

My mate bought a new car and after turning the ignition on he decided he didn't want to drive and asked me to drive for him.
We crashed and he screamed:
"AY! You just crashed my car!"
I said; "Yeah but you started it"

Wordplay Joke

I've just created a website that requires anyone that logs on to fill the home page with small black and white squares.
Check it out.

Wordplay Joke

I wonder.
Do people with artificial hearts ever get heartburn ?

Wordplay Joke

I think my "Best of Womack and Womack" CD is possessed by a spirit.
Every time I play it I hear footsteps.

Wordplay Joke

I was up before the local magistrate this morning.
I stole his milk again.

Wordplay Joke

I've started a counterfeit operation, selling fake colours.
Tan is the most popular.

Wordplay Joke

Just been reading a book which, apparently, is all the rage, about a girl who cheats in her A level exams to achieve higher marks. Boring! Can't see what all the fuss is about 'Shifty Grades of Faye'!

Wordplay Joke

Street smarts is just a word dumb people use when they wanna use the word smart to describe themselves

Wordplay Joke

I was horribly abused with golf clubs during my youth.
My parents made me play golf with them.

Wordplay Joke

The body of a man, who regularly gave information about criminals to police, has been found dumped on wasteland.
Next of kin have been informed on.

Wordplay Joke

My little brother is a bookworm and I really don't know why.
Everyone else in my family is human.

Wordplay Joke

A girl guide knocked on my door tonight and told me that she was selling brownies to raise money for charity.
You can't even begin to imagine how cheated I felt when, having handed over my fiver, she merely gave me a small bag of confectionary items.

Wordplay Joke

My wife looked at me funny earlier.
Lazy eye.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the doctors today and as he looked at my file, he slowly looked up and said "well Mr Perry, the way the cookie crumbles is exactly the way your bones are, you have osteoporosis" It was at that point I broke down.

Wordplay Joke

I've been quite ill recently and I sent a text message asking my girlfriend if she could cover my regular volunteering position giving out food to the needy, as I didn't want to let anyone down at the charity.
However, due to a small typing error, she ended up spending four hours handing out sandwiches outside Games Workshop.

Wordplay Joke

The fleshlite-
For when you can't give a toss

Wordplay Joke

My problem is that I'm always seeking the approval of others.
Right?

Wordplay Joke

Fatty foods are bad for you, this is true! In fact I recently spent time in hospital after trying to nick a crisp off Dawn French.

Wordplay Joke

I benched 150 kilos today!
Told this fat guy in church to take a seat.

Wordplay Joke

I got thrown out of Tesco earlier.
Apparently, 'lamb shank' is not designed to stab people, and to attempt to do so inside the store is illegal.

Wordplay Joke

Last night my wife said I never went down on her
So I drooled all over her.

Wordplay Joke

I joined Amnesty International because they had a special offer on.
Buy one set one free.