My girlfriend is cack-handed.
She works at the sewage farm.

I lay down and he comes towards me, it's long and hard in his hand and I can't help but feel anxious.
He slips it in, it's tight and quite sore, but soon i feel a warm trickle of liquid as he takes it out. I remain there with a look of relief on my face.
Thank God my colonic is over.

BBC NEWS - Man's prize budgies killed and stolen in Cornwall.
Apparentley he's no longer Tweeting.

My wife was on the phone when I got home tonight..She really hates our couches.

Never buy crack-cocaine from a shady leprechaun.
You get sham rocks.

I've always thought roofs are a bit over the top...

When he was 6 months old, my son used to ride on the London underground all day long.
He was a test-tube baby.

The Ronseal advert on the TV is all a big scam..
Ive been watching the fencing at The Commonwealth Games and ive not seen one tin in 3 days

For the first time in five years Katie Holmes will be able to buy a car without Cruise control.

Thesen modern day book burnings are rubbish.
I went to one today and it was just a kindle.

How do you get to Shepherd's Bush?
Up the Shepherd's leg!

There's no way I would date a girl that worked at an Airport.
Way too much baggage.

The wife said we should try meditation.
I said we should sit down and think about it.

2nd day of my diet. I've lost 7 pounds.
I'm gutted, I was gonna buy a kebab with that.

As a young lad, my granddad worked as a knocker upper.
I'm one of his 75 grandchildren.

My boss said he wanted a paper weight for his office.
I managed to get him one. It took 4 hours for me to make and I don't see how it will cause his muscles to grow.

In the north of England there is actually a road called 'Quality Street'
There's only one person left living there and ironically he's both Turkish and Delightful.

I Met a guy at the airport who said he was a child psychologist. I said "quit living in the past, dude". "You're like 45 now!"

At school I wanted to be in the cross country team, so asked the coach if I could join.
"Have you got any stamina?" he asked.
I said "Not really to be honest."
"Forget it then" he replied, "Without stamina, you've no chance in the long run."

Cellulite. Ironic last syllable really.

I'm looking for an old hag on a broomstick that will tell me when to do things.
Witch reminds me...

I just lost my mood ring.
I'm not sure how to feel about it.

My wife's like a good wine.
Sorry my wife likes a good wine.

The chap who invented traffic lights,
I wonder what colour light he got to go ahead with his idea?

I just looked at my baby son's head and he's got this weird birthmark shaped like a pair of knickers.
It's making me wonder if he could be the pantychrist.