I saw my son playing cards on a level crossing
Hes addicted to gambling online.

I've just won five games of poker in a row whilst standing on a piece of bread.
Think I'm on a roll.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags.
He's bisatchel

BBC news tells me: "Police appeal to murder suspect".
If he's killed someone, the last thing I want to know is what bands he likes.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because David was playing in a football match.

I met my girlfriend at a summer fair.
It was fete.

A man went into the butchers. "Why are you using a knife to cut those long eared furry animals?" he asked.
"It's not a knife it's a cimeter", replied the butcher.
Talk about splitting hares.

Can't believe my baby is 1 year old today,
Happy birthday playstation 3, I love you loads.

I'm thinking of opening an Israeli phone top up shop called 'Credit Where Its Jew'

I made a Facebook fan page for my girlfriend.
She didn't like it.

It's funny how the majority of people that sell Pirate DVDs have a dodgy eye, one hand and a gammy leg.

I broke the lift in work this morning by punching the control panel an hard as I could.
It was bang, out of order.

A friend of mine has got such a short temper. I was playing cards with him the other day and he just snapped

I'm going out on the push tonight.
It's like going out on the pull, but more aggressive.

Have an imaginary skin condition? Try pseudo-cream.

Alphabetti Spaghetti.
WARNING - May contain N, U, T and S

I brought my dog to the vet for a cat scan today.
They found three in him.

I was visited by the ghost of Christmas present.
Serves me right for not putting air-holes in it.

Scrooge walks into a pub with a black and white decorative theme.
Bar Humbug!

My wife was in the bath crying earlier, so I said, 'You're in a state - what's the matter?'
'Liquid', she replied.

My mum knows I have been stealing Christmas trees to buy drugs.
She found the needles all over my bedroom floor.

My wife just spent three whole weeks looking for my FIFA game.
It was above and beyond the call of duty.

I started a football team 2 years ago called 'The Champions', but we haven't won a game yet, and I'm sick of all the other teams running around at the end singing 'we beat the champions.'
I think I'm going to change our name to, 'Off Constantly.'

I'm not too sure what to do with this kilo of cocaine that I found on the beach.
I suppose that I'll just have to deal with it.

Saw the worlds biggest fan last week.
It blew me away.