Wordplay Joke

I've just joined The Magic Circle.
It was just a Magic Curved Line before.

Wordplay Joke

I got a mug shot taken today.
Why I had a picture of a mug, I don't know.

Wordplay Joke

What do you call a cautious Russian wasp?
a K.G.B

Wordplay Joke

A bloke walks into a pub and orders himself a pint. He notices Vincent Van Gogh is sitting on the next barstool and asks him if he wants a pint, too.
"No thanks," replies Vincent. "I've got one ear."

Wordplay Joke

A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

Wordplay Joke

To keep slim I jump queues.
It reduces my wait.

Wordplay Joke

I've just finished watching Kill Bill, volume 1;
I couldn't hear it very well, though.

Wordplay Joke

Despite the stereotype, I know many black men who are on the payroll..
..sorry..
..it's spelt 'parole'

Wordplay Joke

My new book about Poltergeists is flying off the shelves.

Wordplay Joke

When life gives you: high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, ascorbic acid, maltodexrin, sodium acid pyrophosphate, magnesium oxide, calcium furnarate, yellow 5, tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavours...
Make lemonade

Wordplay Joke

I've been out of work for a while but have just got a job at a factory making periscopes.
Things are looking up.

Wordplay Joke

I was in bed with this bird last night and she asked if she could cover me in ketchup and lick it all off.
I thought,' That's a bit saucy.'

Wordplay Joke

I don't know what the fascination is with strip clubs.
It's just the same old thong and dance.

Wordplay Joke

If I ever found out I only had a week to live and could go anywhere in the world...
I think I'd go to the hospital, because it sounds serious.

Wordplay Joke

I was arrested yesterday on suspicion of murdering my orchestra conductor.
Apparently because I had bought a Stradivarius in 2002, an Amati in 1998 and a Guarneri in 1990,
the police said I had a history of violins.

Wordplay Joke

I quit my job as a deep sea diver today.
I just couldn't take the pressure.

Wordplay Joke

I turned myself in to the police today.
I went out with a taser and chased some black people

Wordplay Joke

It's going to be drizzly outside. Expect a lil wayne.

Wordplay Joke

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them some drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He asks, "What?s this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Oooh. Uh. Er. I didn't know. I uh..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Wordplay Joke

I fingered my sister the other day.
I mean, what else was I supposed to do when my Dad said, "Who ate the last biscuit?"

Wordplay Joke

Gordon Ramsay reminds me of a newspaper.
Only with more headlines.

Wordplay Joke

Ivory hunters, tsk tsk.

Wordplay Joke

Stonehenge Rocks.

Wordplay Joke

I'm not afraid of flying.
I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet in the air and suddenly "not" flying.

Wordplay Joke

Adoption jokes -
There's never a good time to tell them.