Wordplay Joke

My wife is due to go on a long car journey today for work and insists she doesnt need a map, but Im sure she will lose her bearings.
Especially as Ive taken them out and loosened the wheels.

Wordplay Joke

I met my 13 year old son's new "girlfriend" this evening. It's weird, I swear I've come across her before..

Wordplay Joke

Looking at The Sun can cause eye injuries and brain damage.

Wordplay Joke

Yesterday someone stole my phone charger.
I still don't have any leads.

Wordplay Joke

Steve has bigger lungs than Dave, and James has larger lungs than Steve.
Who can expel the largest amount of air through their mouth?
None of them. They're all the same sighs.

Wordplay Joke

I used to go out with a girl called Penny
She was a copper

Wordplay Joke

I was touched yesterday when my black wife came up to me and said "Baby, I believe in you."
Until she started packing her bags and took the kids.

Wordplay Joke

Just got a message from my mate telling me he had won the national ottery.
'Lol,' I replied, 'typo?'
'No, send fish now!!!!', he returned.

Wordplay Joke

I tried to gatecrash the Kwik Fit Employee of the Year awards ceremony but the doorman wouldn't let me in.
He said, "You need to change attire"

Wordplay Joke

All my life I've wondered where I'm from. I've asked my closest friends and relatives, but no one seems to know.
Personally, I think I'm from Notre Dame...don't ask me why, I've just got a hunch.

Wordplay Joke

Broken abacuses.
You can't count on them.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to put my name down as an organ donor, but I just didn't have the stomach for it.

Wordplay Joke

Me and a few of my mates were discussing who we think has made the greatest song of all time.
I went for Linkin Park, in the end.

Wordplay Joke

I first met my wife at the village fair
It must have been fete.

Wordplay Joke

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

Wordplay Joke

I'm just watching frost on my telly tonight, probably should think about putting the heating on now it's winter.

Wordplay Joke

I find there is a lot of name-calling towards my unborn son.

Wordplay Joke

There was a knock at my door and when I answered it there was a man dressed all in black holding a gun.
I said, "Can I help you?"
He said, "I'm a hitman".
I said, "Oh yeah? Anything I might have heard?"

Wordplay Joke

I've just walked in on my missus with one of Goldfingers henchmen.
I asked, "What have I told you about doing odd jobs around the house?"

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend put my best shirt in the tumble dryer, and it shrunk.
I can't even fit a sock in there now.

Wordplay Joke

I was getting sick of seeing my wife with her new iphone, so I bought an ipad, but I was still sick of seeing her with her brand new iphone, so I bought another ipad, it worked, two ipads, I couldnt see a thing!

Wordplay Joke

I'm organising a party for people with locks at the bottom of their doors
Its a very low key affair

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to the 'Stop Ducks Quacking' festival at the weekend.
Some really tight bands on the bill.

Wordplay Joke

Although I'm a lover of Bruce Willis's work I wouldn't say I was a Die Hard fan.

Wordplay Joke

Mute shepherds: Hard to come by.