Wordplay Joke

I was thinking about going to a procrastination convention a few days ago.
Unfortunately I never got around to it.

Wordplay Joke

I was out on a drive with the wife today.
After a few slaps, she got the hang of block paving.

Wordplay Joke

I just experienced a wardrobe malfunction.
Couldn't get into Narnia.

Wordplay Joke

On my last week as an environmental health officer I shut down seventeen restaurants.
I needed some closure.

Wordplay Joke

Audi are releasing a new car specifically for the American market.
It's called the "Audi Doody".

Wordplay Joke

I was riding a 5 year old bareback yesterday. She's a lovely horse.
Shame she's allergic to latex.

Wordplay Joke

Psychics
You know who I really hate?

Wordplay Joke

Mr Mack knocked at my door and said, "Here's the asphalt you wanted mate."
I said, "Ta, Mack."

Wordplay Joke

A German man is driving down the moterway and gets pulled over by the police. The policeman says "Could i take a look in zhe boot?"
The man opens the boot and there is a huge piece of meat laying there.. "Vhat is zhis meat in your boot vor?"
The man replies "Zhat is my spare Veal"

Wordplay Joke

There has been a place built where all the drastically-overweight people can live together, in harmony and tranquility, with friendship and love, free from the violence and abuse that comes their way because of their physical condition.
It's sensitively called "A peace city".

Wordplay Joke

I saw this dude hanging from one of the hands on the clock tower earlier.
I shouted up at him "Hang on a minute, i'll go get help!"

Wordplay Joke

My wife has just popped down the chip shop.
I think it was her seventh kebab that proved fatal.

Wordplay Joke

I've just been in a fight involving nunchucks, it was awful.
Sister Mary landed right on top of me.

Wordplay Joke

I wrote a letter to the Queen saying that I wanted to write a comedy play about her life,
I got one back saying that she was not a muse.

Wordplay Joke

I would tell you why my new book has 5000 chapters but it's a long story.

Wordplay Joke

I'm fed up with all the ethnic minorities near my house in east London so I decided to get on the central line and head to White City. When I got off what I saw made me feel disappointed, disgusted and lied to.
It's not a city at all.

Wordplay Joke

I've just been to the gymnasium.
It wasn't a shop specialising in noses run by a chap called Jim after all.

Wordplay Joke

I was at a party last night. Me and my friend could see people queuing, My friend asked me "Go to the front of that line and see if that's the queue for the punch"
Turns out it was, I have 2 black eyes and a broken jaw.......

Wordplay Joke

I helped a mentally ill guy today with some directions to the local psychiatric hospital.
I think he was an asylum seeker.

Wordplay Joke

Eating veal can be dangerous.
As I took a bite, I tore a calf muscle.

Wordplay Joke

Making good orange juice requires great concentration.

Wordplay Joke

People who seek sympathy make me want to cry.

Wordplay Joke

My wife went mad when she caught me in bed with Zero our African neighbour.
I don't know what all of the fuss is about, she means nothing to me.

Wordplay Joke

I left my job as manager of the local one legged football team, I could never get the right balance to the side.

Wordplay Joke

I left my job as manager of the local one legged football team, I could never get the right balance to the side.