Wordplay Joke

My wife made enough dog-food to easily last a year.
There was that much, I ran out of tins to put her in.

Wordplay Joke

Isn't it amazing how in Yorkshire, if you have a 'thigh injury' then you are most probably suffering some kind of visual impairment.

Wordplay Joke

My wife said that she'd like some brackets up on the wall.
So I went over to it with my marker pen and asked what she'd like me to write between them.

Wordplay Joke

At first I ignored my wife's pleas for me to quit smoking for the forty days preceding Easter.
Then I relented.

Wordplay Joke

My Wife's not a bad looking woman.
She just looks like one.

Wordplay Joke

Pre-Meditated murder: Its the thought that counts.

Wordplay Joke

I was watching Sky Sports today.
Them paragliders were very good.

Wordplay Joke

My son said that he feels left out at work.
I told him that it was his fault for being a doorman.

Wordplay Joke

I had my wife cremated then planted some seeds in her urn.
A couple of weeks later she rose from the ashes.

Wordplay Joke

When the wife denied me, I beat her with a bamboo cane & gave her two black eyes.
One way or another, she'll pander to my needs.

Wordplay Joke

I ordered an 8 inch Cheese and Tomato Pizza from Dominos. I was shocked when it arrived as it was delivered by two midget monks.
I phoned Dominos up and said, "What are you doing, having my pizza delivered by two midget monks?"
"Well, it's only a small order," came the reply.

Wordplay Joke

After a lengthy ear infection my doctor said, "You're fine now."
I said, "That's good to hear."

Wordplay Joke

My mate just rang and said "I've just bought a mini clubman, come over tomorrow."
I can't wait. It's not everyday you see a chav dwarf playing golf.

Wordplay Joke

Just read a book called PTO. Its a real page turner.

Wordplay Joke

I told the epileptic kid at school a joke.
He was in fits.

Wordplay Joke

THE PEOPLE: Pole dancing at 3
Better make it quick, I've got a doctor's appointment at 5:30.

Wordplay Joke

I just met a supervillain masquerading as a car mechanic.
I only barely escaped his clutches.

Wordplay Joke

I started a company manufacturing expensive fake wounds for halloween costumes, but the price of the components has suddenly risen,
So we had to made some budget cuts...

Wordplay Joke

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.
The sequel's going to be set in a different department.
This time it's personnel.

Wordplay Joke

I said to my mate, "You look sad, what's wrong?"
He said, "I'm just struggling to get over Annette."
I said, "You don't fancy a game of tennis then?"

Wordplay Joke

I stole some paint earlier and when I got home I tipped it onto the floor and laid in it.
Thought I'd better cover my back.

Wordplay Joke

I often go out with a list of insults written on my sleeve.
I'm never stuck for an off the cuff remark

Wordplay Joke

Bowler's union strikes.

Wordplay Joke

My brother is jealous that my handwriting is so much better than his, I think it's just scribbling rivalry.

Wordplay Joke

I am 6'5" and people I meet say to me that I look down on them.
It's not because of my height, I am just a lot better than them.