My wife has been searching for a Jubilee clip on You Tube.
Stupid cow, I told her B&Q have them.

Which John Milton novel is about why he can't play Monopoly any more?
Pair o' dice lost

I went to the park with the frisbee i got for christmas. When i threw it i realised it was in fact a boomerang
It's all coming back to me now

I used to be the best at fighting down at the allotments,
But then I took a marrow to the knee.

Two people wanted me to reshape their pillows today.
One was quite rude about it, so I plumped for the other one.

I have noticed that I've been feeling an overwhelming sense of resignation recently.
Oh well, guess I'll have to get used to it.

I was having an issue with people copying and pasting sensitive data at work, at first I didn't know what to do but I've finally taken ctrl.

racism.
its a colorful word.

Had a great day on the foreign exchange market. Swapped 10 Peseta's for 20 Francs, bargain!

I bought some Italian boat shoes today.
They look really nice, but I keep falling over.

My wife accused me of being a desperate procrastinator earlier.
I beg to defer.

I saw a Cougar this morning wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar.
It's a jungle out there.

My family frown upon my L.S.D. addiction but I walk around holding my head, high.

Give a man food and he will eat well, give a man the ingredients and he will get a women to cook it for him.

After giving birth to our baby son, my wife said;
'Aww he's got your eyes'
That's probably why I couldn't see a thing!

A dispute broke out between me and the gang over the disposal of the murder wepon.
but we buried the hatchet.

I've just heard in the last few minutes that Whitney Houston is dead.
Shame too, she was always good for crack.

With his trousers down round his ankles he said.. "Look, They're small, smelly, and this one no longer stands up on command"
.... "Sargent, when I asked how your privates were doing, that's not exactly what I had in mind.."

I had a dream about the number 66500 in Latin. It was vivid.

I was shocked to learn my dad was a useless electrician around the house.

I just decked a guy at work.
The things budget cuts make you do when you're working as a patio fitter.

Whoever says that pigs cant fly.
Have obviously not seen my wife skydiving.

I'm quite a good escape artist.
Unfortunately my paintings of prison breaks aren't big sellers.

The wife and I came to blows the other night over angry dolphins.
I think we were talking about cross porpoises.

What's the whitest part on a black woman's body?
The pearls her boyfriend stole for her.