Wordplay Joke

My wife just tried to get me to sit down and talk with her.
I think she's trying to tell me something.

Wordplay Joke

"Pope Benedictus".
Vatican denies this latest allegation of child abuse.

Wordplay Joke

I tried a yo-yo diet once but had to stop...
I kept choking on the string.

Wordplay Joke

Where do ships go when they're ill?
The docks.

Wordplay Joke

How many knives does it take to change a lightbulb?
C'mon, just take a stab in the dark.

Wordplay Joke

With a Knighthood you become a Sir and thus gain respect.
So where did it all go wrong for my teachers?

Wordplay Joke

My uncle was a pervert, he always molested me. So I phoned the police and told them everything.
Ever since that day I've been impervious to him.

Wordplay Joke

Some people don't like being labelled "White Van Man", but I like it.
Makes me sound like a super hero.

Wordplay Joke

Leaving to head down to the post office, and i thought i would take my wife down.
3 months later, courtroom, no regrets.

Wordplay Joke

This summer in Barbados I accidentally mistook some of my sister's Canesten cream for sunblock.
Boy was I red faced!

Wordplay Joke

I've only just heard that there's an international "caps lock day".
I don't know about you... but it just sounds like a load of shift to me.

Wordplay Joke

I've got the choice of either running away with my bulimic mistress, or stick by my anorexic wife.
It's slim pickings.

Wordplay Joke

The only thing I want in life is a new world order.
wrodl

Wordplay Joke

I am in court today for stealing a packet of Bisto from Tesco. My brief is claiming I was just stock taking. What a genius.

Wordplay Joke

My wife gets infuriated with me because I can never remember old phrases.
I just think she's got a potato on her neck.

Wordplay Joke

My Dad isn't happy with my career choice as a police marksman.
He told me I should aim higher.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a reformed time-piece thief and putting clocks back was my counsellor's idea.

Wordplay Joke

Pick an exclusive Dracula costume next time and make it Count.

Wordplay Joke

My mate from Hartlepool phoned me to say he saw Linford Christie in town.
I said, "Big deal, it's not like Hartlepool's never seen a well hung monkey before".

Wordplay Joke

I've just dumped my load outside the primary school gates.
I love driving my gritting lorry.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Police 'failed' deaf man who died.
"Perhaps if they used the flashing lights instead of the sirens, it might have been avoided?"

Wordplay Joke

I just recieved an email:
"Jack, Black Friday is coming to The Bookshop! Be ready!"
Trust The Bookshop to hire Robinson Crusoe rejects.

Wordplay Joke

I recently went to a pub and asked the pretty lady at the bar for a nice bit of head.
Worst pint I've ever had.

Wordplay Joke

London sperm bank:
I love coming here!

Wordplay Joke

I had a dream last night that I went on holiday with a load of bananas, I was so disappointed when I woke up as they were such a lovely bunch...