Today is 11/9 in America.
A day to reflect on 9/11.

Its fairly easy to join a gang in east london.
if you look hard enough.

After spending years on the dole....
I don't see the benefits going back to work.

It's always been an ambition of mine to steal from a plumber so today I took the plunge

My boss walked up to my desk the other day and asked for a word.
'Trampoline' I replied.

My friend said he'd give me 100 if I did a bungee jump.
I wasn't falling for that.

Do sperm banks make a good profit income?

Hoping my new groin aftershave catches on. Everyone buy 'Come To Me' & help me out. I was gonna call it 'Desire' but the missus sniffed it & said "It smells like Come To Me"

My smack head sister tried to murder me by throwing a toaster in my bath, luckily she had no electric...
I can't say I was shocked.

Having too many vowels is a consonant struggle in a game of Scrabble.

Necrophilia is a fatal attraction.

I took a bird back to my hotel.
As we started ripping off each others clothes I asked, "So where are you from?"
She said, "Can't you guess from my accent?" as I whipped off her bra and looked down at her flat hairy chest I shrieked, "Man chest. ... Ahhh."
She said, "No, Close, Liverpool."

My brother was always really selfish and took the lion's share of everything.
It played along for a while, but eventually it got fed up and killed him.

I have a mate who happily spends all his time on the financial side of a restaurant business. No accounting for taste, I guess.

I wanted to show my mate a pool trick earlier.
So I whacked the cue ball, then it shot down the table and bounced off a cushion.
That's when we both got thrown out of the furniture store.

I've got my skydiving instructor to help me fix a leaking sink. He's going to teach me how to plummet.

I was helping the behavioral scientist from next door, get his trailer on the drive.
"You're doing it all wrong," I said, "left is right and right is left."
I hate reversing a psychologist.

Used to write books for a publisher which banned any kind of fictional novels.
Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

I did the catering for John Sullivan's funeral.
His wife said, "These sandwiches are very salty"
I said, "I came in the rolls"
She said, "I don't care how you got here. What's wrong with the food?"

When my hand starts shaking, you know I'm about to have a stroke.

The Human cannonball goes into a bar.
"Nice of you to drop in", says the barman.

If cider is made from apples, does it count as one of my five a day?

I'm a big fan of blonde beer.
It's just like normal beer, only much thicker.

I'm in a contemporary stage production where I play the part of a sandwich filler...
I'm finding it difficult to get into the role.

My new girlfriend sent me a text while I was at work yesterday which read 'I love being rammed roughly from behind - especially when it's a surprise.' I now have a 400 bill for damages to her car and a lot of making up to do