Wordplay Joke

I was running a sports day for a group of kids with Aspergers
'' Here's a bat and ball, knock yourselves out''
Easiest money i've ever made...

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Schwarzenegger U-turn on drilling
"What's this Arnie, a total recoil?"

Wordplay Joke

I'm so good at dreaming I could do it in my sleep.

Wordplay Joke

I asked my friend why R.E.M split up. He said the other band member's weren't Michael's type.

Wordplay Joke

I was at the hospital when an optometrist accidentally fell into a lens grinder.
He made a spectacle of himself.

Wordplay Joke

Went to my work's fancy dress do as a shoe last night.
I was the life and sole of the party.

Wordplay Joke

Job Application: Describe yourself.
An informal Noun, 2 syllables.

Wordplay Joke

An electrician was out late one night and met his wife in the kitchen as he sneaked in the front door.
His wife asked, "Wire ya insulate?"
He replied, Watts it to ya, I'm ohm, ain't I?

Wordplay Joke

I have a reputation for selling the best Ketamine.
That's straight from the horse's mouth.

Wordplay Joke

I'm hoping that someone will tell me when my days of acting in Pantomime are behind me.

Wordplay Joke

My wife came back from work yesterday and yelled at me "All my friends' husbands have bought an original pink and brown Juicy handbag!"
I replied, with a wink, "Ok love, but tonight you'll have to provide some pink and brown for me"
I was astonished when she nodded in agreement. I had always dreamt of this moment and it was finally here.
And, without fail, I went upstairs that night, and was not disappointed. It was just as good as I had ever imagined.
My very own snooker table.

Wordplay Joke

My wife asked me to do some jobs around the house.
So I cut the neighbours lawns and swept the road.

Wordplay Joke

My school are putting on a play based around Burger King.
I'm playing a very important roll.

Wordplay Joke

I've just heard about Dusty Springfield...
Matt Groening should start drawing some hoovers.

Wordplay Joke

Where do sheep get there mobiles from?
Phones for ewe.

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend claims that I haven't taken a wash in 6 days.
I'll shower.

Wordplay Joke

I broke my X-Box the other day. My dad bought me a PS3 to console me.

Wordplay Joke

What comes before M?
James Bond at the wild MI6 Christmas party

Wordplay Joke

Video Game Developer Award.
Even if you're a winner, you're still a loser.

Wordplay Joke

I was on a hunting trip in North America once with a few mates.
We saw a sign on the road that said "BEAR LEFT"
So we went home.

Wordplay Joke

Jokes about controls.
They're not even remotely funny.

Wordplay Joke

Me and the wife were arguing about why there was a draw in our house with nothing inside it.
I told her to put a sock in it.

Wordplay Joke

The bank want to repossess my tree-house. They say I haven't kept up my mortgage payments but I'm convinced it's just a mix-up from when I moved branches.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to tell a joke about Anthony Worrall Thompson shoplifting.
But I reckon you'll all whine because it's too cheesy.

Wordplay Joke

I got a lump in my throat watching my son marry a black girl.
Cancer I hope.