Wordplay Joke

My cat is called glue.
I know it's a funny name, but it kinda stuck.

Wordplay Joke

Went home last night with some tart.
It was a strawberry one.

Wordplay Joke

My wife wants to call our newborn daughter 'Tranquility'.
"You can't call her that" I said, "that's Lunar sea."

Wordplay Joke

I'm regretting telling my fit neighbour that I would sort her roofing problem.
I just can't facia.

Wordplay Joke

I travelled 200 miles to an Effingham factory today, when I got there, they had none left!

Wordplay Joke

I've been getting into cars lately.
I've realised it's much more comfortable than sitting on the roof.

Wordplay Joke

Apparently there's a new motion picture currently in production which will tell the story of a large carton of organic free-range eggs.
It's to be called The Dirty Dozen.

Wordplay Joke

Vincent tabback says he killed johanna yeates purely by chance,
Yet another case of monopoly related violence.

Wordplay Joke

My mate was fired from his job as dog catcher because he kept bringing in dogs with tags.
Turned out he was collarblind.

Wordplay Joke

Some people say that I don't understand how to use simple catchphrases, but I guess that's just the way the other half live.

Wordplay Joke

My nitrous oxide-infused beer was announced with a big brouhaha.

Wordplay Joke

Buildings which weren't built for horses are unstable.

Wordplay Joke

Ive been seeing a girl from my orienteering club for a few weeks now,but I think it's fizzling out.
We are not really going anywhere.

Wordplay Joke

I met mini me's 2nd wife yesterday
Her name was Bigamy

Wordplay Joke

An antiques dealer said to me, "What do you think of the Chinese Dynasty?"
I said," It's very badly dubbed."

Wordplay Joke

I booked myself into the ''Double Candy'' hotel.
It had a suite ring to it.

Wordplay Joke

Paedophilia can put you in a tight spot.

Wordplay Joke

My dyslexic brother signed up to some conservation society.
He couldn't understand why they just sat around talking

Wordplay Joke

Some other rock climber fell to his death today right after he waved at me.
Guess you can say he went out on a hi.

Wordplay Joke

I think morgues are really unfashionable.
I certainly wouldnt be caught dead in one.

Wordplay Joke

My wife was having a go at me earlier because I'd forgotten to redecorate the bathroom, but I was miles away.
In The Caribbean, in fact. I must remember to leave my phone behind next time.

Wordplay Joke

'Haven't you ever considered getting a job that involves telescopes?'
'Well I guess that's something I could look in to.'

Wordplay Joke

Just saw a sign: "No hanging ham. Offenders will be proscuittoted."

Wordplay Joke

I Found my wife in the bathroom cleaning the cat...
I think she didnt understand what i said to her last night.

Wordplay Joke

So apparently military wives are beating Little Mix.
Lets hope they have proper baseball bats.