An unnamed chef has been sacked for always serving dry and tasteless meals.
No more Mr. Rice Guy.

As I was preparing to jump out of the plane, I turned to the Instructor and asked, "What if the chute doesn't open?"
He laughed and replied, "Relax mate, we've never had any complaints of parachutes not opening."

When I first met my wife I punched her in the face and left a indentation on her cheek which she still has today.
Just goes to show that first impressions do last.

I asked my girlfriend the other day;
"What can I do to stop my addiction to wordplay jokes?"
She said;
"whatever means necessary. "
I said
"No it doesn't."

I went to an improve your spelling course at the college and on the door it said 'PSUH'
I thought, "Hmm, that's a bad sign."

I've got a faulty euro 2012 tent for sale.
It hasn't got any Poles.

A bloke in a tractor just drove infront of my house shouting about the rapture.
I think it was Farmer Geddon.

I'm sure they'll find the Higgs Boson particle.
It's just a matter of time.

I just ordered myself a mail order bride.
I'm getting bored with domestic violence, so I figured I'd try the imported kind.

Two wrongs don't make a right.
Three lefts do.

Fifty pence pieces. Now you don't get many of them to the pound.

Did you hear about the whistling fisherman?
He was always out of tuna.

I am a brilliant magician.
But only in spells.

So you've all heard the expression 'If you play with fire, you're gonna get burnt'
But my boss at the local hospital liked to put this spin on it:
'If you play with burn victims, you're gonna get fired!'

Someone came round today trying to sell me the first part of an encyclopaedia.
They were describing it, but I couldn't hear them over the TV.
So I turned the volume down.

I was stalking this woman for 5 hours the other day when she suddenly turned around and said "Please stop stabbing me with that plant".

My son missed out on an A in Maths.
He spelt it "mths" and failed his English exam.

I came home from work to find my wife laying in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs.
I said, "Are you OK?"
She said, "Do I look OK?"
I said, "Well not really ... to be honest, that t-shirt is a bit tight around your belly and your hair looks terrible"

I always end up meeting girls with lots of baggage.
It's probably the worst thing about being a bellboy.

My mate took the stand when he was a witness in court.
Now he's back as the defendant for stealing courtroom furniture.

Serena Williams: "I was literally on my deathbed."
So you're giving this interview through a seance, are you?

It's my son's sports day tomorrow and as he's the only white, blonde, blue eyed child in his inner-city school, he should be the clear favourite for the Aryan race.

Where do bees go to the toilet?
BP Stations.

A survey at my workplace was conducted to see how people travelled to work each day.
You had to choose from Cars, Bikers, Trains or walkers and then put your answer in a corresponding bag to be counted.
Needless to say, the walkers bag was empty.

I was writing an essay on famous people with eating disorders and needed some help.
"What's another way of saying 'anorexic male monarch'?" I asked my girlfriend.
"Hmm... thin king," she said.
The useless tart has had the whole day and she still hasn't come up with anything.