Wordplay Joke

My neighbour showed me his beehive and then kept going on about the bees not making any honey.
It was just drone, drone, drone.

Wordplay Joke

Just went to a surgeon's car boot sale, there were all kinds of weird and interesting body parts.
I left with a heavy heart.

Wordplay Joke

You might not be the best looking girl in the world, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Wordplay Joke

What do businessmen have for desert?
Profiteroles.

Wordplay Joke

There was swarm of Wasps down the bottom of the garden earlier, so i decided to kill them all.
The Rugby Union weren't too happy, and I was quickly arrested.

Wordplay Joke

I went to Toys R Us earlier.
You get some unusual characters there!

Wordplay Joke

I tried to watch the football at the pub last night, but it was ruined by the flaming kids.
Fire in the ball pit apparently.

Wordplay Joke

I was at the race track earlier and a pair of joggers ran past me.
I was amazed at how smart trousers are getting these days.

Wordplay Joke

I'm going to a football riot later.
It kicks off at 3.

Wordplay Joke

Roads were congested around major cities as millions of office workers mistakenly travelled in on Bank Holiday Monday.
Experts blame a commuter error.

Wordplay Joke

I can never be bothered giving most people the time of day.
Consequently,Ive now lost my job as the speaking clock.

Wordplay Joke

Although people say 'you've got to be cruel to be kind,' I don't think my son will ever fully appreciate my cutting off his leg so he can be front of the queue when they're scouting for the paralympics

Wordplay Joke

I've tweeted all the people with super-injunctions.
My pwactice is on Harley Stweet.

Wordplay Joke

Poker? I hardly know her.

Wordplay Joke

My bucket isn't feeling very well. He looks a bit pale.

Wordplay Joke

I have to admit I believed it would be judgement day today. Turns out it will be next Thursday in front of a jury due to my actions today.of the past few hours.

Wordplay Joke

I've just paid 50 for a coat, and there's nothing to put my keys in.
I feel so out of pocket.

Wordplay Joke

So, Harold Camping predicted the world would end yesterday. Not to rub it in Harold, but what am I doing now?

Wordplay Joke

My girlfriend got annoyed at me today when I took my pint from the front room and left a ring on the table...
I happened to think it was quite a nice way to propose.

Wordplay Joke

I went to the African takeaway the other day.
Ordered my food Togo.

Wordplay Joke

I put the 'i' in egotism.

Wordplay Joke

My mate doubts me taking food to restaurant tables will cure my blindness.
Wait and see!

Wordplay Joke

I saw a ginger looking really good throwing some shapes around tonight...
I was really impressed, I always struggled with Tetris.

Wordplay Joke

I once went out with a woman who worked in a seafood restaurant. Nice girl but awfully clammy hands.

Wordplay Joke

'Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a big birthday cake.'
'I'm afraid you'll have to be sectioned.'