Wordplay Joke

I'm sick off these Osama jokes now.
In fact, this website has bin laden with them.

Wordplay Joke

Everytime I visit my psychologist he's a little shorter?
Guess that's why he's called a shrink.

Wordplay Joke

Got to work this morning to find antlers growing out of my head. I must have used too much moose this morning.

Wordplay Joke

"Ronseal - It does exactly what it says on the tin"
Sounds like a failed condom company to me.

Wordplay Joke

Sky news
'Insomnia support group headquarters burnt down in arson attack'
The support group leader has said 'None of us will sleep until the culprits are found'

Wordplay Joke

My son said that the teacher had made him wear a hat made out of a piece of paper.
"Foolscap," I said.
"No," he replied, "it was more pointy with a big 'D' on it."

Wordplay Joke

As a scientist, people keep asking me "When is the end of the world?"
"After the D," I reply.

Wordplay Joke

Philistine: A person lacking in or hostile to culture.
How can an entire civilisation lack culture?

Wordplay Joke

I'm a big fan of tie-dye, or "kidnapping and murder", as the police call it.

Wordplay Joke

After leaving the pub I was driving through the countryside when a really cute deer ran in front of my car. I thought to myself "A few more beers and I'd hit that".

Wordplay Joke

Knowledge is power. France is Bacon.

Wordplay Joke

Today some homeless bloke approached me and said,''Do you have any idea what sleeping rough feels like?''
So I said,''I do mate.Last night I had two 10oz steaks right before I went to bed.''

Wordplay Joke

If you smoke in a smoking jacket, and you sleep in a sleeping bag, what do you do in a windbreaker?

Wordplay Joke

I fell asleep the other day... And then woke up when I hit the ground.

Wordplay Joke

I've been revising conceptual schemes so hard, my heads full of them.

Wordplay Joke

I was working round the clock painting today, but then I thought I should do the rest of the wall

Wordplay Joke

I invite my old mate Gary round for a drink, after a couple of pints he went to the bathroom, and a few minutes later my daughter ran downstairs screaming and rubbing her head
I said "Don't cry, it's only Glitter in your hair"

Wordplay Joke

Sky News : 'Four Roma children die in Italian camp blaze'.
When asked what a Roma was, the spokesman said....
"Sort of like burnt pork".

Wordplay Joke

I've been out of work for quite some time now.
That's why my boss has threatened to sack me.

Wordplay Joke

I bought some hard drugs today.
It took me ages to open the foil and when I did I got smack in the face.

Wordplay Joke

When my wife died I hit the bottle,
which was nice because I then had a cuddly toy to remember my great day at the carnival by.

Wordplay Joke

I saw a Greenpeace poster today simply with a stunning picture and a caption: 'Killer Whale'...
I've no problem helping out charity but I'm not buying a harpoon out of my own money.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News - "Baby Killer's Sentence Increased"
If he's killing as a baby, I'm predicting genocide by the time he's 20.

Wordplay Joke

My mate brought some magic mushrooms round last night.
They were amazing. They pulled a rabbit out of a hat and sawed my missus in half.

Wordplay Joke

I told my wife I'd take a bullet for her, and she told me she'd take a thousand for me...
So I sent her into an ammo shop with a swag bag and a balaclava.