Wordplay Joke

What do you call a panda deep in thought?
A ponda.

Wordplay Joke

"Look right before exiting Station"
So after topping up with petrol, I got out, tucked my shirt in and combed my hair.

Wordplay Joke

Anyone want to buy two tickets for the Spandau Ballet comeback tour?
I bought them as a surprise for the wife when she said she loved 80's cheese.
Turned out she's been sucking off my grandad.

Wordplay Joke

Is it just me or are there other synonyms for myself?

Wordplay Joke

I was in a lift when this guy came in and bet me 10 that I didn't know how to operate it.
So I took him up on it.

Wordplay Joke

Statistically, 3.141592 in every onion forms an opinion.

Wordplay Joke

I've deserted my wife.
I threw a pudding in her face.

Wordplay Joke

Sky News: Bodies found dumped in skips.
I usually get through five packets a day and I haven't found anything suspicious so far.

Wordplay Joke

I've created a new energy saving lightbulb.
It doesn't use less electricity, it's just easier to put in.

Wordplay Joke

'You are what you eat.'
I hope not, I've just ordered an Indian.

Wordplay Joke

Sky News: Hole found in Manchester United changing rooms at Wembley Stadium
Seems like their glory days are over

Wordplay Joke

I'm always breaking into song...
I can never find the right key

Wordplay Joke

1234: The year the Thumb War started.

Wordplay Joke

Me and my mate were queueing up to get into a nightclub. As we stood at the back of the line he said "I can't wait to get in there."
So he went home.

Wordplay Joke

If you're havin' face spasms I feel bad for you son.
I've got 99 problems but a twitch ain't one.

Wordplay Joke

My - jokes jokes jokes jokes - Time
Yeah, I've written some jokes in my time.

Wordplay Joke

When a girl cancels a date, she cancels because she has to.
When a boy cancels a date, he cancels because he has two.

Wordplay Joke

I just heard about that school on the Isle of Sheppy where kids were sitting an exam and the roof collapsed, seriously injuring 4 pupils.
I was absolutely astonished.
They have schools on the Isle of Sheppy??
EDIT: To Yanks voting this down because they don't get it, just replace "Isle of Sheppy" with AMERICA

Wordplay Joke

At the moment my fellow actors and I keep falling through the theatre floor.
I guess its just a stage we all go through.

Wordplay Joke

I was surprised to find there were only 39 playing cards in the pack I recently purchased from a market in Brixton.
Presumably, the spades have stolen the diamonds.

Wordplay Joke

When I saw Kanye interrupt Taylor Swift at the VMA's I thought to myself,
"That's Ludacris!"

Wordplay Joke

Unemployment!.......it's just not working!!

Wordplay Joke

I've just seen a article on how to help your dog after it has had a stroke
...I didnt bother reading it, I stroke my dog all the time and it doesn't need any help.

Wordplay Joke

Seen the latest Bollywood Blockbuster?
Lethal Injection 2....

Wordplay Joke

I lied to my friends and told them I'd created a life-size replica of Jackie Chan entirely out of old silk ties.
It's a complete fabric Asian.